Tuesday, March 12, 2013

Waking Up

Since Gabriel was born and especially since he started sleeping alone in his crib (11 months), I have kept him very closely monitored. We have an AngelCare movement and sound monitor under the mattress, which detects every breath he takes. If it doesn't, it will sound the alarm. A few times, it has gone off, causing me to rush into his room to check on him. Usually he has just managed to squeeze himself into a corner that is difficult for the monitor to pick up the movement. I also have a video monitor so I can see what he's doing. A few times when the AngelCare has gone off, I've been able to see him moving in the video monitor, so I know he's OK. I keep both monitors on all night, every night. We travel with them, too. It gives me enormous peace of mind, which affords me a better night's sleep.

Despite the monitoring, it rarely fails to cross my mind each morning when I hear Gabriel start to stir that he has woken up. I am hyper conscious of the fact that we all continue to wake up. Why is this? Why is it that Natalie didn't? It seems like such a simple thing, to wake up. To keep breathing, to stay alive. Yet she didn't and we will never know why.

This is a difficult time of year. March 18th is coming fast. I get more anxious, breathe shorter breaths, and have a deeper-than-usual feeling of sorrow. The gloom of March has descended. I know we'll get through it and it's not out of strength, it's out of having no other choice. The 6th anniversary of our little girl's tragic passing is almost here. It doesn't seem to be getting any easier year after year. It just is. It is just part of our DNA now. And we all do our best to be a little bit kinder to each other, a little bit more forgiving, because we know the worst time of year is here. As we muddle through this difficult time, I continue to take comfort that we all continue to wake up and marvel at the simultaneous simplicity and complexity of that reality.


janzi said...

You write your post with such love and understanding despite having lived through the worst thing that could happen to a parent, the loss of a child.. I do hope that your grief eases a little as the years go by, but really it isnt that long in the universe time since you lost her, and I think you are very brave to comment how you feel at these times. I hope that each day will get better, especially as those other two are so marvellous too!! Hugs from across the pond.. janzi

Beth Fouser Adamo said...

Thank you for you kind words and understanding. It is amazing how six years - or even six days - can feel like an eternity and like no time has passed at all. Grief has a strange way of warping one's senses. I appreciate you taking the time to share your thoughts.


Kathy said...

It's our reality. Like it or not. I hope the days leading up to and the Angel date are as gentle as can be on you. It never gets easier, we just know what to expect as each year passes. ((hugs))