The New Year

For me, the New Year has always been a time to reflect back and look ahead. This year, as in the past three years since Natalie died, I am filled with contradictions. Highlights of 2009 include the completion of our new kitchen, Roslyn’s graduation from kindergarten and starting first grade at a new school, our trip to see dear friends in Michigan, and the conception of Baby Boy Adamo, who will be born sometime around April 27th.

We are thrilled beyond words that soon this new little person will be joining our family. I cannot help but feel that his existence is nothing short of a miracle. After countless failed attempts to get pregnant, I was almost ready to give up. And then in August, the pregnancy test was positive. Those first weeks and months were plagued with worry, a feeling of waiting for the other shoe to drop. Amazingly, it didn’t—and now we are more than half-way through (24 weeks), and this little boy is kicking up a storm.

Despite my burgeoning belly, I am still in a mild state of disbelief that this is really happening, that soon we will have a new baby to love. Roslyn is so excited to meet her brother. She dedicated a section of our Christmas tree to him, including special ornaments she made for him. She never forgets to include him as part of our family—just as she never forgets to include her precious sister, Natalie.

Roslyn is growing up to be a compassionate, caring girl. I can only imagine her confusion at times over what happened to her little sister. This past year, she has become much more conscious of the depth of the meaning of Natalie’s loss and is able to express herself in ways she couldn’t when she was younger. I am immensely proud of her.

The anticipated arrival of our son gives us hope for the joy he will bring to our family. But this hope is mixed with fear. In the coming months, we must undertake the task of putting away Natalie’s things to make room for the baby. Natalie’s room is going to change. It is an enormous burden, as I have tried so hard to cling to whatever remains of her—down to every detail. Yet, now I am finding that there are some things I need to let go of. It is time to “move on,” a term I have despised thus far because it seemed to mean leaving her behind, something I cannot ever do. But, time is helping me to understand that this is not true. She will never be left behind. She will never be forgotten by those she touched. She will live in our hearts forever. And soon, she will have a new brother who will grow to love her, too. Her clothes may not be in the drawers anymore, but this will not diminish in any way the love we feel for her or the place she holds—and will forever hold—in our family and in our hearts.

And so, we forge ahead, or as Christopher says, “we muddle through.” Here’s to the anticipation of starting another chapter in our lives. We remain forever grateful for the love and support from our family and friends. And we wish you all a happy, healthy, and prosperous New Year.

Only one stocking to stuff

Christmas 2009 is now history. Our third Christmas without sweet Natalie. It was good and bad, as are most holidays now -- as are a lot of things in my life now. The worst part was stuffing only Roslyn's stocking. Natalie's stocking, though proudly hung by the chimney with care, remained unstuffed. There is no child here to give goodies to. It breaks my heart over and over and over again. I miss you, my sweet baby girl. You are always remembered, always loved and missed.

Roslyn had a good day. She woke us up a little after 7:00 saying "Mommy, it's time to get up and open our presents... Mommy, Daddy, come on, let's go..." Chris and I were sleepy and managed to get an extra 10 minutes in bed as Roslyn patiently waited, and then we all went downstairs. Roslyn was excited to see that Santa ate the cookies she'd left out for him and the reindeer food. We opened presents and had our traditional Christmas breakfast: grapefruit, bacon, and eggs Florentine. Chris's hollandaise sauce was pure perfection. We played and relaxed until it was time to go to dinner at our friends' house. Now I'm tired and ready for sleep. Tomorrow we'll play the new games we got for Christmas and just relax after the build-up to the holiday. Roslyn wants to learn how to play chess. Sounds good to me. Merry Christmas my beautiful girls.

Much to be thankful for

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving. It has always been my favorite holiday. I love the feast, I love the togetherness, I love what it stands for. It is good to give thanks, good to show gratitude and appreciate what we have. But now, the holidays are especially difficult because at this time for being with family, we are not together anymore. Natalie is forever missing and the holidays only punctuate this sad fact. This will be our third Thanksgiving without her. We only got to spend two Thanksgivings with her. This alone is so incredibly sad. She was here for such a short amount of time. And yet, I am forever grateful for the time we had with her. It is so precious.

As I reflect on what I am thankful for, I think of my children -- my beautiful Roslyn, my beloved angel Natalie, and now, my sweet unborn baby boy who we are expecting to arrive around April 27th. My THREE children. Yesterday I had my 18-week ultrasound and it was confirmed that we are having a son. We are thrilled, and even more thrilled that he seems to be developing normally and everything is going well so far. My screening test for chromosomal abnormalities came back with a risk of 1 in 40,000, which at my ripe old age of 43 is pretty amazing. Chris and I have spent the last several months since we found out I was pregnant feeling amazed that this is really happening and terrified of what could go wrong. We have been through so much already. It is understandable to worry. But I have decided that worrying doesn't do anyone any good, especially me and the baby. I let Chris do the worrying for both of us, and thankfully, he is starting to do less of that, too.

Now is a time to relax and enjoy and look forward to the promise of another new Adamo. We will always remember his big sister, Natalie, and I look forward to telling him about her. I know he will love her, too. Roslyn is so excited to be a big sister again, even though she wishes it were a sister. I think it's her way of missing Natalie and expressing her grief. I have no doubt that once she sees her tiny little brother, she will fall in love with him, too. We all have so much love in our hearts. Yes, I am thankful.

"Sharing Girl"

This week was a biggie for Roslyn. She came home on Monday, thrilled to tell us that she had been chosen to be the "sharing girl" this week. In addition to being the first one to go to lunch, first to read in class, first to do a lot of things, the sharing girl gets to bring in something from home to show and tell her class. Yesterday was Roslyn's sharing day and she chose to bring in Stellaluna.

Stellaluna is a very special little stuffed animal in our house. She is the puppy that Santa gave to Natalie in her stocking shortly before she died. Natalie loved her and slept with her every night. Natalie just called her "doggie." At Natalie's memorial service, we placed "doggie" on her casket along with her favorite bedtime book, Eric Carle's "Head to Toe." During the service, Roslyn (then only 4 years old) marched up and grabbed the stuffed animal off the casket. I let her have it as it seemed to bring her some comfort. In the weeks that followed, I would sleep with the doggie. It helped me feel closer to Natalie somehow. When Roslyn discovered I'd been doing this, she asked if she could have her. Although she brought me comfort, I agreed to let Roslyn have her. A mother's sacrifice. Roslyn had renamed the dog "Brownie."

At some point later, I brought home a DVD from the library called "Stellaluna," a story based on the book of the same name about a baby fruit bat who is separated from her mother. Roslyn really loved it and decided that "Brownie" would now be called "Stellaluna" and that she was no longer a puppy dog, but a baby bat. Roslyn started to bring "Stell" as she's known for short everywhere. On one memorable trip to Target, Roslyn lost Stell and we didn't realize it until we were almost finished shopping, at least 30 minutes later. Roslyn burst into tears upon the discovery that Stell was gone. I was on the verge of tears myself. But she remembered where she left her (in the soap aisle), so we quickly made a beeline for where she thought she'd left her. Unfortunately, she wasn't there. I looked all around in the vicinity, but no sign of the lost baby bat. Next we went to Customer Service for the lost & found, but they didn't have her either. By some lucky coincidence, I just happened to notice Stell in a shopping cart that was full of random items that one of the store clerks was picking up to put back where they belong. Roslyn grabbed her and hugged her and we were truly overjoyed that we'd found our little Stell. We were really lucky.

Another time when we were at Sears, Stell accidentally slipped from Roslyn's grasp and we found her lying in the middle of the main aisle. Luckily, it only took us a few minutes to realize she was gone that time. After that, we decided that Stell could come with us, but it would be best for her to stay in the car. Now, she mostly just stays at home for her own safety.

It's amazing how strongly we all feel for this this little stuffed animal. It is clear to me that Stell is a major part of Roslyn's coping with Natalie's death. On a few occasions, she's slipped and started to call her "my little sis..." or "Nat....", but then she catches herself and says, "I mean, Stell." Oh, it breaks my heart.

Stell is starting to show the wear and tear of the intense love she bears. Roslyn's sharing day went well. She reported that her classmates were "very gentle with Stell." I know it made her feel really good to share with them.

Here's Natalie on Christmas Day 2006 with Stellaluna in the background (sadly, the only picture we have of them together), and Roslyn with Stell in November 2007.

My article about grief

In my work as a writer at Blue Cross & Blue Shield of Rhode Island, one of my favorite things I get to do is write for their quarterly magazine, Choices. I've written on a variety of topics--bipolar disorder, sleep, celiac disease, emotional eating, talking to kids about food, and swimming, to name a few. For the fall issue, which just came out, I wrote about grief. Like grief itself, writing this article was both extremely difficult and very easy--the duality of opposites that is such a hallmark of grief (at least, it is for my grief). When the topic first came up in our writers' meeting, I wasn't sure whether I wanted to do it. After much consideration, I initially declined the opportunity. But after a couple of days of thinking about it, I felt compelled to do it. I HAD to do it. I asked if I could switch with the other writer and she happily agreed.

It took me almost as long to write the one paragraph in which I tell Natalie's story as it did to write the entire article. I struggled with trying to strike a balance between telling my personal story, and keeping it relevant for the magazine's readers. I was very conscious that it not be all about me, but yet it is such a personal subject, how could it not be? The other aspect that came up was that we wanted the reader to come away with some sense of hope that things do get better. It has only been two and a half years for me, which feels like a really long time, but in the grand scheme of things, isn't very long at all. I don't have the perspective to be able to offer assurance to people that it gets easier. But I can say that it is a process that anyone in my situation must go through, and they must go through it in their own way, in their own time.

I suggested to our designer the idea of the broken vase that is crudely glued back together--and he did a beautiful job. It is not the way it was before it was broken and it never will be, but it is mostly whole and can still serve its purpose of holding the flowers. It is a perfect metaphor for my broken heart that will never be the same, and my need to keep on going for daughter Roslyn, my husband, my family and friends, and myself.

Writing this article also gave me the opportunity to help raise awareness of SUDC, sudden unexplained death in childhood. Everyone has heard of SIDS, but so rare is SUDC, that very few people know about it, not even pediatricians. I hope that people will visit the SUDC Web site and take the time to learn more about this devastating thing that has taken away hundreds of precious children from their families, just like my little Natalie was taken from me. It is my way of helping the cause.

There's also a section for friends and family of someone who is grieving on what is helpful and what is not. This comes from my own personal experience, the experiences of other grieving parents, and the advice of experts. It is difficult to tell people what you need, especially when you are in the depths of grief and can't always express yourself coherently. Maybe this will help, too.

So here is the online version of my article, Picking Up the Pieces. Please share your thoughts, let me know what you think. The printed version of the magazine will be mailed to members by the end of the month, but you can also download it from the Choices home page in the upper right corner.

Back to the blog

I can't explain really why I haven't posted since Natalie's birthday, now more than a month ago. It's not like we've been busier than usual. I just don't know. But now, I wanted to break the silence to give a brief update. August brought more blueberry picking (I think Chris and Roslyn picked a total of 30 lbs! We ate a lot of them, but we have a lot left in the freezer. We love them.) Last week, we finally completed our kitchen renovation. The last piece, the countertop for the island, was installed. We ended up going with butcher block and I think it looks really nice. I'll post pictures soon. We went to a rock climbing gym for Margaret's birthday party and we all got to climb the walls. What fun that was! August 24 saw Roslyn's first day of first grade, and her first day at her new school, Bay View. She has now completed five full days and one half day and when asked how she likes it, says "I LOVE it!!" That's good enough for me. Today I was a helping parent in the lunchroom and it was quite fun to see all the girls. Roslyn was beaming how much she loves me and giving me hugs every time I walked by. That was worth it. I will do this twice a month. Here are a few pictures from her first day of school and our rock climbing adventure.

Birthday Girl

Tomorrow is Natalie's birthday. She would have been four years old this year. These pictures were taken on her first birthday. She had a great time posing and playing with her hat, taking it on and off and saying things like "Da!" I look at these pictures now and I remember so clearly the morning I dressed her in her pretty little outfit and how she played and laughed and kept trying to grab the camera. She didn't have any understanding that it was a special day for her, a special day for all of us. And I, of course, had absolutely no way of knowing that this would be the one and only time I'd get to sing "Happy Birthday" to my darling Natalie Joy. I'm so sorry, Natalie. I wish you were here to celebrate your 4th birthday with us. We miss you so.