"Sharing Girl"

This week was a biggie for Roslyn. She came home on Monday, thrilled to tell us that she hadd been chosen to be the "sharing girl" this week. In addition to being the first one to go to lunch, first to read in class, first to do a lot of things, the sharing girl gets to bring in something from home to show and tell her class. Yesterday was Roslyn's sharing day and she chose to bring in Stellaluna.

Stellaluna is a very special little stuffed animal in our house. She is the puppy that Santa gave to Natalie in her stocking shortly before she died. Natalie loved her and slept with her every night. Natalie just called her "doggie." At Natalie's memorial service, we placed "doggie" on her casket along with her favorite bedtime book, Eric Carle's "Head to Toe." During the service, Roslyn (then only 4 years old) marched up and grabbed the stuffed animal off the casket. I let her have it as it seemed to bring her some comfort. In the weeks that followed, I would sleep with the doggie. It helped me feel closer to Natalie somehow. When Roslyn discovered I'd been doing this, she asked if she could have her. Although she brought me comfort, I agreed to let Roslyn have her. A mother's sacrifice. Roslyn had renamed the dog "Brownie."

At some point later, I brought home a DVD from the library called "Stellaluna," a story based on the book of the same name about a baby fruit bat who is separated from her mother. Roslyn really loved it and decided that "Brownie" would now be called "Stellaluna" and that she was no longer a puppy dog, but a baby bat. Roslyn started to bring "Stell" as she's known for short everywhere. On one memorable trip to Target, Roslyn lost Stell and we didn't realize it until we were almost finished shopping, at least 30 minutes later. Roslyn burst into tears upon the discovery that Stell was gone. I was on the verge of tears myself. But she remembered where she left her (in the soap aisle), so we quickly made a beeline for where she thought she'd left her. Unfortunately, she wasn't there. I looked all around in the vicinity, but no sign of the lost baby bat. Next we went to Customer Service for the lost & found, but they didn't have her either. By some lucky coincidence, I just happened to notice Stell in a shopping cart that was full of random items that one of the store clerks was picking up to put back where they belong. Roslyn grabbed her and hugged her and we were truly overjoyed that we'd found our little Stell. We were really lucky.

Another time when we were at Sears, Stell accidentally slipped from Roslyn's grasp and we found her lying in the middle of the main aisle. Luckily, it only took us a few minutes to realize she was gone that time. After that, we decided that Stell could come with us, but it would be best for her to stay in the car. Now, she mostly just stays at home for her own safety.

It's amazing how strongly we all feel for this this little stuffed animal. It is clear to me that Stell is a major part of Roslyn's coping with Natalie's death. On a few occasions, she's slipped and started to call her "my little sis..." or "Nat....", but then she catches herself and says, "I mean, Stell." Oh, it breaks my heart.

Stell is starting to show the wear and tear of the intense love she bears. Roslyn's sharing day went well. She reported that her classmates were "very gentle with Stell." I know it made her feel really good to share with them.

Here's Natalie on Christmas Day 2006 with Stellaluna in the background (sadly, the only picture we have of them together), and Roslyn with Stell in November 2007.

My article about grief

In my work as a writer at Blue Cross & Blue Shield of Rhode Island, one of my favorite things I get to do is write for their quarterly magazine, Choices. I've written on a variety of topics--bipolar disorder, sleep, celiac disease, emotional eating, talking to kids about food, and swimming, to name a few. For the fall issue, which just came out, I wrote about grief. Like grief itself, writing this article was both extremely difficult and very easy--the duality of opposites that is such a hallmark of grief (at least, it is for my grief). When the topic first came up in our writers' meeting, I wasn't sure whether I wanted to do it. After much consideration, I initially declined the opportunity. But after a couple of days of thinking about it, I felt compelled to do it. I HAD to do it. I asked if I could switch with the other writer and she happily agreed.

It took me almost as long to write the one paragraph in which I tell Natalie's story as it did to write the entire article. I struggled with trying to strike a balance between telling my personal story, and keeping it relevant for the magazine's readers. I was very conscious that it not be all about me, but yet it is such a personal subject, how could it not be? The other aspect that came up was that we wanted the reader to come away with some sense of hope that things do get better. It has only been two and a half years for me, which feels like a really long time, but in the grand scheme of things, isn't very long at all. I don't have the perspective to be able to offer assurance to people that it gets easier. But I can say that it is a process that anyone in my situation must go through, and they must go through it in their own way, in their own time.

I suggested to our designer the idea of the broken vase that is crudely glued back together--and he did a beautiful job. It is not the way it was before it was broken and it never will be, but it is mostly whole and can still serve its purpose of holding the flowers. It is a perfect metaphor for my broken heart that will never be the same, and my need to keep on going for daughter Roslyn, my husband, my family and friends, and myself.

Writing this article also gave me the opportunity to help raise awareness of SUDC, sudden unexplained death in childhood. Everyone has heard of SIDS, but so rare is SUDC, that very few people know about it, not even pediatricians. I hope that people will visit the SUDC Web site and take the time to learn more about this devastating thing that has taken away hundreds of precious children from their families, just like my little Natalie was taken from me. It is my way of helping the cause.

There's also a section for friends and family of someone who is grieving on what is helpful and what is not. This comes from my own personal experience, the experiences of other grieving parents, and the advice of experts. It is difficult to tell people what you need, especially when you are in the depths of grief and can't always express yourself coherently. Maybe this will help, too.

So here is the online version of my article, Picking Up the Pieces. Please share your thoughts, let me know what you think. The printed version of the magazine will be mailed to members by the end of the month, but you can also download it from the Choices home page in the upper right corner.

Back to the blog

I can't explain really why I haven't posted since Natalie's birthday, now more than a month ago. It's not like we've been busier than usual. I just don't know. But now, I wanted to break the silence to give a brief update. August brought more blueberry picking (I think Chris and Roslyn picked a total of 30 lbs! We ate a lot of them, but we have a lot left in the freezer. We love them.) Last week, we finally completed our kitchen renovation. The last piece, the countertop for the island, was installed. We ended up going with butcher block and I think it looks really nice. I'll post pictures soon. We went to a rock climbing gym for Margaret's birthday party and we all got to climb the walls. What fun that was! August 24 saw Roslyn's first day of first grade, and her first day at her new school, Bay View. She has now completed five full days and one half day and when asked how she likes it, says "I LOVE it!!" That's good enough for me. Today I was a helping parent in the lunchroom and it was quite fun to see all the girls. Roslyn was beaming how much she loves me and giving me hugs every time I walked by. That was worth it. I will do this twice a month. Here are a few pictures from her first day of school and our rock climbing adventure.

Birthday Girl

Tomorrow is Natalie's birthday. She would have been four years old this year. These pictures were taken on her first birthday. She had a great time posing and playing with her hat, taking it on and off and saying things like "Da!" I look at these pictures now and I remember so clearly the morning I dressed her in her pretty little outfit and how she played and laughed and kept trying to grab the camera. She didn't have any understanding that it was a special day for her, a special day for all of us. And I, of course, had absolutely no way of knowing that this would be the one and only time I'd get to sing "Happy Birthday" to my darling Natalie Joy. I'm so sorry, Natalie. I wish you were here to celebrate your 4th birthday with us. We miss you so.

"Vacation, all I ever wanted..."

On Friday night we returned from our wonderful week in Michigan. Going back to the region of my birth (we didn't make it to the actual place of my birth, Ann Arbor) was good for my soul. How good it was to see familiar (simple) things like the road sign for I-94. No, not I-95, which is here in Providence. I-94, the interstate that goes from Detroit to Chicago and passes by Ann Arbor. How wonderful it was to go to a midwest-style farmer's market with Amish farmers selling their local produce and fresh baked goods. How spectacular to savor the perfection of a hugely plump Michigan blueberry (and of course, think of Natalie, my blueberry girl). How fun to hear real Michigan accents. How nice it was to be Home.

Our travels took us from O'Hare, one of the busiest airports in the U.S. to little Hickory Corners, Michigan. We took the Chicago subway downtown and walked a few blocks to the train station, where we picked up the northern Indian commuter rail, which took us to South Bend, Indiana. There, we were greeted by our friend, Michael, who drove us to our final destination, Gull Lake. Becky was there waiting to give us all big hugs.

For the next five days, we slept until we were ready to get up, went swimming whenever we wanted in the crystal clear, warm(ish) waters of Gull Lake, and visited with our dear, old friends. Between Becky and her sister, Jen, there are five kids at the house so Roslyn always had someone to play with. It was utterly relaxing and wonderful to know she was always having fun and safe at all times. The last night of our visit, our old friend Judy drove from Ann Arbor to visit us for dinner, and we were also joined by Becky's mom and dad. Although we are all older now, it was like old times when me, Judy, and Becky (and sometimes Phoebe and Kim) would spend part of our summer at Gull Lake.

It was also an opportunity for me to share my dear little Natalie with my friends. Jen and Judy hadn't seen many pictures of her and it was very special for me to share Natalie with them and have a good cry. I was filled with a sense of true friendship and caring that goes back to when we were all 4 and 5 years old. How amazing to still be friends after all these years.

As Michael drove us to the Amtrak station in Kalamazoo (also an old, familiar place) to catch our train back to Chicago, we passed a Big Boy restaurant, a Michigan institution. I lamented that I didn't even think to ask if there was a Big Boy nearby, and I missed this chance to go for my all-time favorite burger, the "Swiss Miss." I guess we'll just have to put that on the list for next time.

Then...

Natalie patiently waits for her piece of Mommy's birthday cake, July 5, 2006.

Good to the last crumb. Good job, Natalie!

...and Now.

Just the three of us.
Let them eat chocolate roll cake with raspberry cream and fresh raspberries. Oh, my!!