Quiet Christmas

Christmas has come to a close. Roslyn was so excited this morning to open her presents. She was very happy with all of her gifts -- the Sleeping Beauty bear, new pajamas, Little Miss books, and lots of other goodies. We had a lovely breakfast of fresh grapefruit and eggs florentine. Chris really outdid himself with the hollandaise sauce this year. Wow, was it good. Fully sated, we adjourned to the living room (now habitable, but still without furniture) and played a game of Sorry! Roslyn was victorious, which pleased her. We then got dressed and prepared some side dishes to take to our friends' house for Christmas dinner. How lovely it was to spend Christmas dinner with friends, rather than all alone just the three of us. It somehow made Natalie's absence easier to bear. I am grateful to them for inviting us to share this special day with them.

Upon returning home, I "lost it" while brushing my teeth (of all things). The tears just started pouring down my face and I couldn't stop for quite awhile. I think it was all of the keeping it under control that I finally had to just let it out. I miss Natalie. I am so sad she died. I hate it that she's gone. Roslyn should have her little sister here to play with. I know I've said it before, but Natalie should be here! SHE SHOULD BE HERE!! Oh, Natalie, please know how much we love you and miss you. I am posting a couple of pictures from Natalie's last Christmas. Seeing her and Roslyn together the way it should be, and now seeing Roslyn all alone just breaks my heart. Roslyn is alone too much. She should have her sister here to play with. I am tired now. I just want to go to bed and end this misery in sleep. Maybe I will dream of my sweet Angel. I hope I will. Good night sweet baby Natalie.

Missing Natalie

It's Christmas Eve and Roslyn has visions of sugarplums dancing in her head. I am excited to see her reaction tomorrow morning when she sees what Santa brought for her. I hope she is happy.

Christmas, like many other aspects of my life now, is clouded with sorrow. The pain of Natalie not being here is even more acute with this holiday. I chose this picture of my happy little angel, which also shows her Christmas stocking in the background, which I lovingly made for her. We have hung it on the fireplace with care, but there are no hopes that her stocking will be filled. There is nothing to do other than put it up in remembrance of her life and the joy she brought to our family.

Merry Christmas, my beautiful Roslyn. Merry Christmas, my sweet little Natalie. I love you and miss you more than words can say.

Candles and Winter Wonderland

Right now, Roslyn and Chris are out with friends at the Slater Park "Winter Wonderland" event. I did not go because soon I will be leaving to attend the worldwide candle lighting ceremony of The Compassionate Friends. This is an annual event around the holidays in remembrance of all children who have died. Last year, Roslyn came with me to the event. I think her presence gave many of the other bereaved parents some happiness to see such an adorable young child. This year, Roslyn didn't want to come with me. When her friend invited her to go to the winter wonderland, the choice wasn't difficult for her. Roslyn is all about embracing life and having as much fun as possible, which is as it should be. A small part of me wishes she had the capacity to grieve the way I do, the ability to miss her little sister, and understand the importance of events like tonight's. It is important to remember. It is all we can do now. We must remember. I know Roslyn remembers Natalie, but she was only four when her little sister died. How can anyone expect her to feel the same degree of loss that me and Chris feel? It's not fair to impose such expectations on her. And it is comforting in a way that her youth has spared her this intense pain. I am glad she is free to live her life and be happy. And so, she and Chris are off ooohhhing and aaahhhing over the pretty lights on the Christmas trees. I sit here alone in a dark house, waiting for the time to pack up my pictures of Natalie that I am bringing with me tonight. And it is all OK.

The candle lighting takes place tonight at 7 pm around the globe. Light a candle at 7 pm for Natalie and all children who have died. Remember, remember. Life is so precious.

Hostage

Roslyn is home sick today for the second day in a row. It's a low fever with cold symptoms. Her spirits are good and she seems to have better energy than yesterday, but she just needs to rest. I hope she'll be feeling better and can go back to school tomorrow. Meanwhile, we are like hostages in our little "office"/family room. It is the only room on the first floor of our house that is not under construction. Today, they are here sanding the floors in preparation for refinishing them, which will happen next Monday and Tuesday. It was quite a job clearing out all the furniture and finding a place to put it for the next 10 days or so, but we were successful. Our upstairs is like a warehouse with all the stuff sitting around. Roslyn and I have been watching "Sesame Street" and waiting for a good time to emerge from our little cave so we can go upstairs and shower. The sanding is a noisy and dusty job, so there are plastic curtains blocking the stairs both up and down to the basement. We are beyond ready for this project to be finished. We had hoped it would be done before Christmas, but I don't think it will be now. Alas.

So much love

At this moment, I feel filled with so much love. I wanted to post a fresh Natalie picture to express how much I love her, how deeply I miss her, how sad I am that she isn't with us anymore. So, here's Natalie. My sweet baby girl. My little angel. My beloved daughter. I love you.

This was taken in 2006 at my 40th birthday celebration. She was radiant in her adorable little halter top outfit. She's pointing to the ball because Dora is on it. There's so much expression in her eyes. She was such a beauty.