Monday, September 8, 2008

Imagining a brown-eyed girl

Tomorrow is the day Natalie should be starting nursery school. I am overwhelmed with sadness at the thought of the joy we are missing, the joy she is missing. It is hard to believe that two years have passed since we took Roslyn for her first day of nursery school. Now she's a big kindergartner and her little sister should be here. It's Natalie's turn! I think back to how much she loved being at East Side Nursery School when we'd go to drop off and pick up Roslyn. There were many days when I had to pick up a crying Natalie and carry her out of the classroom because it was time to leave. She never wanted to go. She always gravitated to the fire escape stairs in the back of the classroom where there's a piece of plexiglass. I can see her looking back at me with her hands on that plexiglass.

Now, all I can do is imagine what she'd be like. I see a beautiful girl with soft brown hair just past her shoulders. It is mostly straight with just a little bit of a wave in the back. She has her bangs trimmed or maybe they're clipped back out of her face. She is looking around--her big brown eyes wide with excitement. She is happy. She is so very, very happy.

I'm writing this as tears stream down my face. I am so, so sad. I love you, Natalie.