Natalie's Equinox

Tomorrow, November 5, will mark the time that Natalie has been gone as long as she was here. Is there a name for this day, this marker of time? A friend suggested we call it Natalie's Equinox and I think that's pretty close. It is so utterly incomprehensible to me that she has been gone as long as she was here. Where has the time gone? And yet, I look at Roslyn and she’s much bigger now, much more mature. She’s in kindergarten! Somehow this time has passed. I know I have more grey hairs and bags under my eyes. In some ways, it feels like forever. In other ways, it feels like it just happened. The pain of losing Natalie is as fresh as it was 19 months and 18 days ago.

When I was 18 years old, my dad died suddenly from a stroke. When I turned 36, I remember so vividly thinking that now I had lived half of my life without him. As time goes on, I live more and more of my life without him. With Natalie, it is ever so painful because she was here for such a short time, just 19 months and 18 days. Once again, I feel scared at the thought of time moving forward, even though I know it will and there's nothing anyone can do about it. Maybe I’m scared that her memory will fade and it will be like she was never here? I wonder if I’m making it worse for myself by making a big deal out of this marker of time. One could say that it’s just a day like any other day. But I don’t believe that’s true. Some days do have more meaning and significance.

We have a busy day ahead of us tomorrow, but we will be lighting 19 candles in memory of our sweet little angel, this exceptionally adorable and special little person who was here, if only for a little while. I pray that her memory will not fade.