Monday, September 8, 2008

Imagining a brown-eyed girl

Tomorrow is the day Natalie should be starting nursery school. I am overwhelmed with sadness at the thought of the joy we are missing, the joy she is missing. It is hard to believe that two years have passed since we took Roslyn for her first day of nursery school. Now she's a big kindergartner and her little sister should be here. It's Natalie's turn! I think back to how much she loved being at East Side Nursery School when we'd go to drop off and pick up Roslyn. There were many days when I had to pick up a crying Natalie and carry her out of the classroom because it was time to leave. She never wanted to go. She always gravitated to the fire escape stairs in the back of the classroom where there's a piece of plexiglass. I can see her looking back at me with her hands on that plexiglass.

Now, all I can do is imagine what she'd be like. I see a beautiful girl with soft brown hair just past her shoulders. It is mostly straight with just a little bit of a wave in the back. She has her bangs trimmed or maybe they're clipped back out of her face. She is looking around--her big brown eyes wide with excitement. She is happy. She is so very, very happy.

I'm writing this as tears stream down my face. I am so, so sad. I love you, Natalie.


Naddie said...

I wish there was a way for me to take some of that sadness and hurt a way. Please know that there is someone out there thinking of you and your little girl and hugging you from far a way!

Beth Fouser Adamo said...

Dear Naddie,

I humbly and graciously accept your cyberhugs. Thank you for remembering us. I does help.


Hannah said...

Beth, I wanted you to know that I was thinking of Natalie on the first day of school and feeling how much she should have been there. There is an open spot in the class and I couldn't help but thinking that it is supposed to be that way. I'm so proud of you for being able to share these moments of sadness with us so you don't have to take it on alone. Even though I never had the joy of knowing her, I will never forget her.

Love, Hannah

Beth Fouser Adamo said...

Oh Hannah, you have no idea how much this news affects me. (Maybe they could hear my wails all the way across town??) It does seem fitting that there is an open spot in the class. It is Natalie's spot. Maybe you can imagine her sitting at the play-dough table or getting herself dirty in the sandbox. It isn't fair. I know Eli would have had a huge crush on her, being the ladies man he is. It is just so, so sad. I am ever grateful for your kind words and support. Thank you.