Tuesday, December 27, 2011

19 months, 18 days

19 months, 18 days. That's how old Natalie was when she died. And, that's how old Gabriel will be tomorrow. The months and weeks leading up to this milestone have been wracked with worry for me and Chris. It's not rational, of course. I mean, what is the likelihood that anything would happen to Gabriel at the exact same age as Natalie? Not likely, I know. But this is still a big deal. It's a major marker of time. As Gabriel has approached this age, his behavior has triggered loving memories of sweet Natalie. He is like her in so many ways, especially as he learns more and more words (yes, he says "Dora" and "Boots" like Natalie did). But, he is very much his own person, too. It's such a joy to watch him interact with big sister Roslyn, while the longing for Natalie and imagining how she would fit into their dynamic is always there.

Tomorrow when Gabriel wakes up in his cheerful way (he always greets me with a big "HIIII!" when I go into his room each morning), I will breathe a huge sigh of relief. Can't wait to get past this milestone. Only a few more hours...

We will always remember our precious Natalie. We are forever grateful to Roslyn and Gabriel for keeping part of her alive and for being the spectacular individuals they are. We are blessed.


Anonymous said...

Beth -

I'll be thinking of you tomorrow as you face this next milestone.

I just had our second child almost 6 weeks ago. I find it hard to let him out of my sight and constantly watch him while he sleeps.

MaryLaRu said...

Oh Beth - my heart aches for you. I lost a child last year in utero. I was about 22 weeks along and we found out that he had a condition known as triploidy - it is incompatible with life. He died about a week after the diagnosis. Giving birth to him and burying him was the most heartbreaking experience of my life.I cannot imagine the horror of what you went through with your beautiful girl.
I think God has a special place in heaven reserved for mommies who have lost their precious babies. I also think that there is a special sisterhood among us. No one else quite understands how your heart is broken and yet you can go on everyday. It's a mommy's most unwanted "super-power"
Know that you are in my thoughts and prayers.