Monday, January 5, 2009

Snow Angel

Roslyn has so much fun playing in the snow. Just look at the glee on her face. It gives me hope and fills me with joy to see her like this -- my beautiful snow angel. Of course, I cannot think of angels and not think of Natalie, either. I take comfort in the thought that she is an angel of some sort. She is with me all the time.

As the holidays have come to a close, I am relieved. Today was Chris's birthday and we had a nice celebration. I am also looking forward to Roslyn's birthday in five weeks. This year, I want to embrace wholeheartedly her birthday and rejoice that she is still with me. I can't believe she will be 6! She's growing up so fast. The other night when I was tucking her in to bed, she asked me about Natalie. She wondered if Natalie would be at East Side Nursery School and if she'd be able to talk if she were still here. She seemed to miss Natalie very much, even though she still can't really articulate it. We both cried and I felt very connected to her in that moment.

As we drove home from the restaurant tonight, I suddenly felt the void of Natalie's absence. It struck me that she should be sitting in the back seat with Roslyn, not me. We should be a family of four, not three. I cried in the car, quietly and without anyone noticing. When I really think about who Natalie was, the real person she was, it is like a knife in my heart. I miss her so desperately. I can't imagine this feeling ever subsiding, and in a way, I don't want it to. I embrace the pain now. It is part of who I am.

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