Relief

It was a long night last night. Gabriel's Angelcare monitor went off for the first time (we've only had it for a few days). Thankfully, the Snuza monitor didn't go off, which means Gabriel did not stop breathing; he had just scooched himself to the far end of the crib. Nevertheless, it was enough to cause Chris and I to worry as we futzed with the equipment at 3:28 in the morning. I don't think either of us got much sleep.

But what relief to wake up this morning and hear that "tic" sound on the monitor, which signals there is movement - Gabriel is still breathing. Oh, thank goodness! We made it through this first anniversary with Gabriel and he is OK. It may seem silly to think something bad would happen on this day again, but nobody ever said grief was rational.

Now, I'm heading out to sit in Natalie's garden while the sun is still shining there. Maybe even clear out some old dead leaves and stuff. I miss my baby girl.

Heading now into our fifth year without my precious girl.

Grief x2

Tomorrow will be four years since my beloved daughter passed away. The pain, when I have the strength to really let myself feel it, is still so intense and raw. I have gotten better with four years of practice at pushing it to the back when I just don't have the energy. It's always there, but I have more control over when I let it out.

This year, I have the added pain of losing my mother. It is like grief x 2. Double the grief. These days, I ooze grief. Here's my mom holding Natalie in January 2007, shortly before Natalie died. My mom was the last one in our extended family to see Natalie. She made the long trip from Las Vegas many, many times to visit us and be with her granddaughters, who she loved so much.

My mom was always such a loving support to me, especially after Natalie died. She would always call, and later she would email me pictures of the little arrangements she made with candles and little jizo dolls from Japan. They were so sweet and touching. My mom felt the pain of losing her granddaugter so much. She said she wished it had been her instead. She said that's how it should have been. She is right. Natalie's early death was not the natural order of things. Now, sadly, my mom has passed, too. And now I feel more alone with my grief than I ever have. I miss you, Mommy. And my precious baby girl, you are forever in my heart. I love you, and I miss you so much, sweet Natalie.

More About Gabriel

Now, I'd like to tell you more about my spectacular little boy. I am mad at myself for letting so much time slip by, but, if you read my other post, it was a rough year. I let a lot of things slide. One thing I did not let slide, however, was taking the time each and every day to enjoy my little Gabriel. From the moment he was born, I have done my best to live in the NOW, not in the past and not for the future. Gabriel has been a joy every day. He has such an easy-going personality. I am ever grateful for this because I don't know if I'd have the stamina to handle a difficult baby at my ripe old age. Gabriel was a great sleeper for his first four months, averaging one wake-up per night, which usually required a feeding and then back to sleep. Somewhere around the four-month mark (this coincided with my mom's arrival to Providence), he started waking up more and more. Now I don't even bother to keep track or check the time. I just roll over, feed him, pick him up and snuggle him, or do whatever it takes to get him back to sleep. Usually it's pretty easy and I find I'm not as tired as I would have expected given the frequency. Maybe I'm just adapting.

In his first several months, Gabriel was growing and gaining weight so fast, he was off the charts. By his 2-month checkup, he weighed over 16 lbs! Of course, he was big from birth, but he was gaining about 1 lb. per week for awhile there. I was starting to worry he'd be bigger than me by his first birthday. Fortunately, he slowed down and now he's still in the 90th percentile for weight and off the charts for length (maybe he gets the tall genes from my mom's side of the family... time will tell). We'll find out how he's doing at his next checkup (9 month) on Feb. 9.

Gabriel is smiley and has the best giggle. He loves his big sister and wiggles with excitement whenever she's around. He loves Cheerios, something he can now easily feed himself, and is slowly getting on board with other foods. Yo Baby peach yogurt is a special favorite. He is the pickiest eater of my three babies, which is interesting to me. They are all different. Like Natalie, Gabriel is quite a drooler and has been seen sporting the "diaper bib" that many people used to think so funny when Natalie wore hers. Hey, it works better than replacing cold, wet, soggy bibs every 10 minutes.

A Major Scare
Shortly after Gabriel was born, we bought a little device called a Snuza. It's a tiny little movement monitor that clips onto his diaper and rests against his belly to monitor his breathing. It it goes for 20 seconds without any movement, it sounds an alarm. Shortly after Thanksgiving, I had put Gabriel down for a nap in his crib. (He sleeps with me at night, but we were encouraging napping in the crib now that he is more mobile to keep him safe.) Because he could roll over from his back to his belly, I was checking him frequently throughout the nap. I had found him completely face down on the mattress a couple of times, and turned him over so he could breathe easier. About two hours into the nap, I was just starting dinner and heard the Snuza alarm go off through the regular sound monitor in the room. I bolted up the stairs, and found Gabriel completely face down in his crib. I immediately scooped him up and shook him to wake him up. A couple seconds went by and then he opened his eyes. I am fairly certain that he had stopped breathing and that little Snuza and my quick reaction may have saved his life. I don't even want to think about it. Suffice it to say, I was freaking out. I called the pediatrician and they have arranged for Gabriel to see a sleep specialist. The appointment was originally scheduled for last week, but we had a big snowstorm and it was cancelled. Now, we wait until Feb. 2 to meet with this doctor and see if there's anything we can do to figure out why little Gabriel may have stopped breathing. Is there a neurological malfunction in his brain that caused him to not turn his head so he could breathe? Why does he tend to sleep completely face down? Is there any possible connection that could explain why Natalie died? Is it a genetic problem our children have?? These are all questions we hope to get answers for. In the meantime, it's been stressful for me and Chris whenever Gabriel is asleep. Increasingly, he wants to roll over and sleep on his belly. At night, I cannot let him do this and often end up wrestling with him, both of us sleepy, to keep him on his back or at least slightly cocked to the side. For naps, we no longer use the crib, but strap him into a little recliner chair so he can't roll over. He doesn't like it sometimes, but that's the way it must be for now. Oh, when will the universe give us a break!!??

Here are pictures of our little Gabe, the cutest little guy in the world!

A sad goodbye

2010 turned out to be a very difficult year. Aside from the joy of welcoming baby Gabriel to our family in May and Roslyn's general wonderfulness, it was a rough year. Two weeks after Gabriel's birth, my mom had to be rushed to the hospital after becoming so dehydrated from a bad bout of diarrhea and vomiting that she almost died. She recovered, but unfortunately, the experience left her mobility greatly impaired. This, on top of being diagnosed with Parkinson's in April, was not good. My brother spent the summer with my mom at her home in Las Vegas (no, I'm not from there... she moved there from Michigan, where I grew up, in 1997), and together we made her realize that she could no longer live alone. She had to come to Providence, which is something Chris and I had been trying to convince her to do for years. She arrived in mid-August following some other medical issues that required further testing once she got here. She had her tests and by mid-September, she and I were sitting in the office of the chief oncologist at The Miriam Hospital listening to the unbelievable diagnosis: "You have a large malignant mass on your duodenum... prognosis is 5-7 months. Surgery is not an option because it has spread to the liver and other organs... Chemotherapy is not likely to be helpful, but is an option for you..." My mom and I have a good cry. She decided to go ahead with the chemo... she felt to do otherwise would be giving up. She needed to fight it as best she could. Sadly, the doctor's prognosis of 5-7 months became a reality of 5-7 weeks and my mom passed away on October 23. My brother was able to return from Korea, where he lives, to be with her and we were both by her side when she took her last breath. Another traumatic experience that haunts me. And another grief I must bear. Rest in peace, beloved mother.

Maternity leave comes to an end

Tomorrow I must return to work. While I love my job, it is really breaking me up inside to have to be away from Gabriel for any length of time. I haven't been away from him for more than 45 minutes during his entire life, and that was only on two occasions. I have taken care of him and loved him practically every minute of his young 12 weeks and four days of life. He is such a treasure. Tomorrow he will be taken care of by his dear Daddy, the next best person to his Mommy. I have pumped milk and stored it in the freezer so he'll have his nourishment. I just hope he doesn't feel that I've abandoned him. I hope he will make the transition easily. He is a pretty easy-going little guy, I just hope it all goes OK.

Natalie's birthday

July 29 is Natalie's birthday. She would have been 5. We should be celebrating, but instead we cry. I miss her so much, it hurts beyond words. I think of her every day, but it has become so incredibly painful that I often have to push the thoughts of her from my mind. Usually when I do let myself really think of her, it's when I'm nursing Gabriel. And I often end up bawling my eyes out. Gabriel has triggered my grief in ways I could never have predicted. I am so in love with him and so grateful he is here, but at times, it is all very confusing.

Here's Natalie on her 1st (and only) birthday with blueberry cake all over her. Tomorrow we will eat blueberries and we will cry and we will remember and we will smile. I love you Natalie. Happy Birthday, sweet girl.

Welcome Gabriel

We are so excited to welcome our son, Gabriel Robert Adamo to our family. We chose the name Gabriel because we liked it a lot, but also because Gabriel is an angel and we wanted in some way for it to have some special meaning in relation to Natalie. Robert is after my dad, who died suddenly of a stroke in 1984 when I was 18 years old. We wanted to honor him, too. Plus, his initials are GRA and Roslyn's are RGA (for Roslyn Grace Adamo), so they're like bookends. A nice symmetry.

We are in awe that Gabriel is here with us — finally!! As many of you know, he didn’t seem to want to come out EVER! At 13 days past his due date, we finally had to give him a nudge. My midwife broke my water at 9:20 p.m. on May 9, Mother’s Day -- or, as my husband says "we emptied the pool." Within a short time of walking around the hospital corridors, contractions started and labor was in full force. One of the places I sat for awhile was directly above the new main entrance to the hospital where they have the brick pathway. We purchased a brick for Natalie since she was also born at Women & Infants' Hospital and the chair where I sat and had my first contraction was directly above Natalie's brick. It felt right to be there and I know she was helping me. I made several trips up and down the halls, checking back every 15 minutes so they could check the baby's heartbeat. He was doing great. Then on one of my solo trips, I had such a powerful contraction, I couldn't walk and had to lean on the arms of a chair and call for Chris to come and help me. Somehow he got me back to the labor room and the contractions were now coming every minute or two, it seemed. I didn't get much of a chance to rest in between. I noted the big clock on the wall directly across from me as midnight came and thought, "oh well, he's not going to be born on Mother's Day, but he'll still have a very auspicious birthdate of 5-10-10." My midwife was so great, giving me updates and telling me that "very soon" he would come out. Then, after 10 minutes of very intense pushing, Gabriel emerged at 12:55 a.m. Once his head and shoulders were out, Chris pulled him out and placed him on my chest and I snuggled him. He was whimpering and I started to talk to him and the sound of my familiar voice calmed him down and he looked up at me, like "I know you." It was magical. After awhile, Chris cut the cord and they took him away to weigh him and do what they do.

I can’t tell you how relieved I was to have gotten through the pain of my third natural (drug-free) childbirth and to see him for the first time!! I couldn’t believe it when they told me he weighed 9 lbs 5 oz!! He was huge compared to Roslyn and Natalie who were 7.8 and 7.1 respectively. Definitely a big boy and so, so healthy! It is all we could have hoped for and definitely worth the wait!

He is now 10 days old and seems to be settling into a good rhythm of sleeping at night (the past two nights he did a 5-hour stretch followed by a 4-hour stretch!!), nursing well, making lots of dirty diapers, and being incredibly cute and charming. It’s pretty cool. I am starting to feel more like myself again, now that I'm getting on average about six hours of sleep at night.

This hasn’t been an easy journey but we are so thrilled that Gabriel is here and part of our family. His big sister Roslyn is so excited and in love with him. She keeps calling him “sweetheart” and wants to hold him as much as she can. He seems to enjoy being in her arms. And we know that his other big sister Natalie is watching over him. Our precious angel. The pain of losing her is magnified a million times right now. I cry a lot and relive the events of March 18,, 2007 in my mind. It is still so unbelievable, the pain is still so raw. It is a very difficult thing to be so happy one minute and so terribly sad the next. But that's the way it is. I am so full of love for all my children now, it is overflowing.

Thank you to everyone for all your prayers, love, and support. Here are some pictures of Gabriel and our family, and Natalie's magic brick at the hospital.

Love,
Beth, Christopher, Roslyn, and Gabriel (and our angel Natalie)