Since March 18, 2007, I have dreaded and loathed this month. Each year as it rolls around, I get a tightening in my throat and an overall sense of gloom descends upon the world. This year, March 1 was frought with nasty, slushy miserable weather. It had snowed a day or two before and it was rainy and slushy, just like the last day of Natalie's life. As I lay nursing Gabriel before he went to sleep, I suddenly started crying, I mean uncontrollably crying. I missed Natalie. The depth of the missing and the longing and the yearning cannot be conveyed in words. It is something I feel deep in every cell of my body and soul. Since Gabriel's birth, nursing has been a big grief trigger for me. I started thinking about why I was crying like this, when I hadn't done so in quite awhile. I literally couldn't stop and I tried to keep it hushed so I didn't disturb my little boy who was contentedly nursing away, getting sleepy and ready to go night-night. Then I realized: It's March. The weather sucked today. It sucked just like it did on March 17, 2007, the last day of Natalie's life. I had taken the girls outside briefly so I could clear the slushy mess off the front steps for the mailman. Natalie didn't want to put on her snowsuit, so I let her go out in her boots, coat, and hat. She didn't like it and kept fussing for me to pick her up. It's hard to shovel snow while holding a 24-lb toddler, so I made Natalie wait until I could pick her up. Then I did and all was better again for her. Roslyn wanted to play, but Natalie just stood in the snow, looking forlorn. She didn't like it. We stayed out for a bit longer and then I convinced Roslyn to go back inside and Natalie was happy about that.
And so, today is March 7 - 11 more days to go until the 18th, which will mark the 5th anniversary of my beautiful baby's passing. This year it falls on a Sunday, just like in 2007. It has been a rough week so far, but Chris and I are both doing the best we can to be kind to ourselves and each other. There's nothing we can do about it, except hang in there and keep on living. It's just a rough one this year. Five years seems like such a long, long time and I miss her more and more.
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my life with and without my children
3 comments:
Hi, Beth. You don't know me but I was posting in my blog tonight and hit the "Next Blog" button on my page, and up popped yours. I glanced through the pages, read a few entries, and was overwhelmed with compassion and sympathy for you. As a mother I can't imagine waking up to find one of my children in their bed not breathing. It would be a horrible nightmare. I am so sorry you went through that, and are still grieving for your precious one. I saw you mention something about "the universe" and that is leading me to comment. Feel free to read and delete if you want (or reply via email mandygoldbach@gmail.com) but I just felt led to tell you this. I don't know if anyone has ever told you before but I would be living a lie if I didn't step out in faith to tell you... God is real and He loves you. He knows how it feels to lose a child. He loves you so much that the Bible says He actually sent His ONLY Son (His precious One, the One He loves) to die for you over 2000 years ago on a cross. He knows your pain. He doesn't want you to worry anymore about your beautiful children. He wants you to surrender your life, and their lives, to Him because He is the creator and sustainer. God says to ask and you will receive, seek and you will find... Don't take my word for it, a stranger in blog-land... look directly into God's Word. He longs to hold you and give you peace that passes understanding.
Matthew 11:28
“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest
Love in Christ, Mandy
God Bless
I am very sorry for all of the losses in your life...I do hope that in the coming years, you can look forward to the time you will see all of your loved ones again. Our newest post is out...visit if you like, for some uplifting for your soul!
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