July 29th is coming up in three days. I’ve been
reflecting a lot on the fact that Natalie would be turning 13 this
year—officially a teenager and another milestone we won’t get to share. This
summer I’ve run into some other 13 year-olds, the children of friends whose
kids have grown up to become awkward, introverted, and lanky teens… all the endearing
things a 13 year-old could be. Seeing these kids now—kids who I knew way back
when they were toddlers, when Natalie and I would drop off Roslyn as East Side
Nursery School—sometimes stops me in my tracks. It’s an odd perception of time because
these kids are now going into the eighth grade (!!), but Natalie is and will
forever be a little 1½ year-old girl. How is this possible?! The perception of
time is so subjective and changes constantly. I look at Roslyn, now heading
into her sophomore year and it feels just right. I’ve watched her grow up into
the confident, sensitive, and loving young woman she is each and every day—and
though sometimes it does feel like time is moving too fast, it also feels absolutely
perfect.
I have written about this before—wondering what Natalie
would be like. But this year, another milestone birthday, it strikes a bit
harder. What would her passion be? Music? Sports? What would be her favorite
subjects in school? Would she like math and science? Or maybe art? Or Spanish? Would
she follow in her sister’s footsteps and love theater or would she be playing
bass in her own punk band? Or maybe it would be something else entirely that I
can’t even begin to conjure in my brain. And what would she look like? She had the best giggle, I wonder what her voice and laughter would sound like. I can imagine, but then I just
can’t. It’s a strange paradox—and sometimes it just hurts too much to think about it. More than 11 years ago, the universe decided
that we wouldn’t ever get to know these things, and Natalie’s life was taken away. We
were all robbed of the beauty, joy, and amazing amount of fun she brought to
the world. I can only imagine now that she would still be wreaking havoc, only on
a bigger scale—doing all of the things a 13
year-old girl should do. It is forever heartbreaking that she can't.
Since 2007, I’ve never been comfortable with the idea of
saying “happy birthday” to Natalie, but I am starting to think about it in a
new way. It always felt awkward, because the truth is, she is gone and there is
nothing happy about that. Instead I would acknowledge her birthday by honoring the
day she made her grand entrance into the world and celebrating her beautiful,
happy life and all of the love she brought to our lives. I’ve said this before
and I’ll say it again: for all the indescribable pain I have suffered as a
result of losing Natalie, I wouldn’t trade it for anything. I am so, so, sooooo
happy Natalie was born. I love you, sweet girl—soooo much! Happy Birthday.
