Just because

Some more pictures of my sweet baby, just because. From Sept 2005 and Sept 2006. Oh, how my heart and soul aches for you, Natalie.

Frame of reference

March 18, 2007 has become my frame of reference for so many things. When trying to figure out when we did something, I always think, "Did that happen before or after Natalie died?..." Today I went to the dentist for the first time in a long time. When he asked me how long it had been since my last cleaning, I had to think: "I know I haven't been to the dentist since Natalie died, so that means it must have been sometime before... which means it's been over two years... And the last time I did go, Natalie was just starting to walk..." Ah, yes. Now I remember. So I answered him, "between two and three years."

Since dentists like you to go every six months, I felt rather delinquent, but only for a moment. My reasons for not seeing a dentist in over two years are quite understandable. Natalie's death has turned my life upside down and all around. Amidst the grief, I really do my best to take care of myself and my family. But it's hard to take care of everything. So I let my teeth go for awhile. It's done now. Everything gets done eventually.

My grief has been intense lately. I keep reliving the horror of that morning on March 18. I cry and cry, and then it passes. I consciously tell myself to focus on something else. Usually that works, but it comes back later, sometimes when I least expect it.

Here's my happy girl from March 2, 2006 when she was seven months old, the height of her chubby-cheeked cuteness.

Happy Birthday Roslyn

February 7 - Happy Birthday, my wonderful daughter. I am so happy you were born this day 6 years ago! Wow! We left for the hospital in morning rushhour and a blizzard. It took about 30 minutes longer than it normally would have to get there, but we made it. I was 9 cm dilated upon arrival and they quickly whisked us down to the ABC, where you emerged after two very intense hours of pushing. Every inch of my body, every cell, was exhausted and weary. But you were here! A week late, you were here. A healthy, beautiful baby girl. Roslyn Grace. Life was never the same after that. What a blessing you are. I love you so much.

February 8 - To celebrate Roslyn's 6th this year, we threw a big party at the downtown ice rink. The day was sunny and warm, a welcome change from the deep freeze we'd been in this winter. With a spectacular Sleeping Beauty cake, a gang of delightful friends and their moms and dads, and fun on the ice, a good time was had by all. The only thing missing was her sweet little sister, Natalie. Always missing, always missed.