Beth's Girls + Boy

19 months, 18 days

2011-12-27T14:56:00.005-05:00

19 months, 18 days. That's how old Natalie was when she died. And, that's how old Gabriel will be tomorrow. The months and weeks leading up to this milestone have been wracked with worry for me and Chris. It's not rational, of course. I mean, what is the likelihood that anything would happen to Gabriel at the exact same age as Natalie? Not likely, I know. But this is still a big deal. It's a major marker of time. As Gabriel has approached this age, his behavior has triggered loving memories of sweet Natalie. He is like her in so many ways, especially as he learns more and more words (yes, he says "Dora" and "Boots" like Natalie did). But, he is very much his own person, too. It's such a joy to watch him interact with big sister Roslyn, while the longing for Natalie and imagining how she would fit into their dynamic is always there.

Tomorrow when Gabriel wakes up in his cheerful way (he always greets me with a big "HIIII!" when I go into his room each morning), I will breathe a huge sigh of relief. Can't wait to get past this milestone. Only a few more hours...

We will always remember our precious Natalie. We are forever grateful to Roslyn and Gabriel for keeping part of her alive and for being the spectacular individuals they are. We are blessed.

Let Go

2011-11-13T12:18:00.008-05:00

Last Tuesday, I lost my job at Blue Cross. It didn't come as a surprise knowing that the company is going through a major restructuring and given my part-time status, I had a feeling that my job might be vulnerable. Given that, it was still a shock that it actually happened. Sometimes you think you're prepared for something, but when it actually happens, you find you're not as prepared as you thought. I felt like that last year when my Mom died of cancer. Though I knew she was terminally ill, I still can't believe she's really gone.

Losing a job, of course, is nothing compared to losing a loved one. Jobs are commodities that can be replaced, people are not. However, losing my job has stirred up a whirlpool of emotions and loss. One of the things that was most difficult about the way they let me go at Blue Cross was not being able to go back to my desk to collect my personal things or say goodbye to anyone. Once they decide they don't want you anymore, they make it very clear you are no longer welcome in the building. My manager had to go back upstairs and bring me my purse and coat. Then, she had to pack up my personal things (which, btw, they don't send to your house; they make you suffer the humiliation of going back to pick them up). She had to take down my arrangement of photos of my three beautiful children -- the pictures that have smiled back at me for nearly 6 years, including, of course, pictures of sweet Natalie. It may sound strange, but knowing that Natalie's picture is no longer up at my desk saddens me a lot. It's like I've lost another piece of her.

I am also very sad that I will no longer see my fellow co-workers who have been my friends, supporting me through everything I've been through these last 4 1/2 years since Natalie died: losing my precious daughter; my miscarriage; riding the roller coaster of infertility that finally culminated in the best thing to happen in a long time, Gabriel; my mother taking ill, moving to Providence, being diagnosed with cancer and dieing. Throughout all this, my marriage has suffered its share of ups and downs. Chris had heart surgery in January. Roslyn had a traumatic bike accident in April. My father-in-law died just three weeks ago and now my job has been "eliminated." It's a lot for anyone to bear, and though they say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, I am starting to feel weaker, like maybe I can't take much more.

Losing the daily contact with my Blue Cross friends means another piece of Natalie is gone, too. They were there to support me during that terrible time and over the years. They planted a tree in Roger Williams Park in her name. I wrote an award-winning article about grief in Choices magazine with their support. They've been wonderful to me throughout it all and I am ever grateful. Will they forget about her now that I'm gone, too?

Some days when I lie down with Gabriel to nurse him in the morning, I actually cry for joy that he woke up today. I consciously thank the universe and him that he continues to breathe in and out and it makes me want to squeeze him so hard that I never let go. Of course, I do let go so he can go about his day, attending to important matters like climbing onto the desk to dump out the pencil holder for the XXth time, peeling the paper off every crayon in the box (after dumping them all out on the floor, of course), and pointing out the window when he sees a bird ("bir") or a squirrel. He is pure JOY.

And so, no matter how bad things may seem, I always try to enjoy and appreciate the beauty and joy of what I have -- my wonderful family, friends, and a house to call home.

Here's the four of us at the dedication ceremony of the Remembrance Garden of The Compassionate Friends of Greater Providence where Natalie's name is engraved on one of the stones.

A Diagnosis, But Not an Answer

2011-09-24T15:19:00.003-04:00

Recently, we received the report from the Sudden Unexplained Death in Childhood (SUDC) Research Program on the cause of Natalie’s death and I wanted to share it with you. As you may recall, the original autopsy from 2007 listed the cause of death as “acute bronchitis and bronchiolitis.” This came after seven months of investigation that involved microscopic analysis of brain tissues, heart, and other vital organs. At the time, the Medical Examiner told us that her diagnosis came because there was nothing else wrong with Natalie. She said “I had to put something.” Needless to say, this hardly gave us much confidence in the diagnosis. When we googled bronchiolitis, we learned that it is an illness with a steady progression over a period of days to weeks before it becomes life threatening. This did not fit Natalie’s symptoms or her sudden death.

Now, after years of going through all of Natalie’s prenatal, pediatric, and post-mortem records, as well as a detailed family history and description of events leading up to her death, Dr. Krous, the head researcher for the SUDC Research Program, has shared his opinion with us. He wrote, “In the final analysis, none of Natalie’s pathologic findings are sufficiently severe, either singly or in combination, to be considered lethal. Therefore, based on the information available at this time, we consider Natalie’s cause of death to be SUDC.”

SUDC is a diagnosis of exclusion. It means they don’t know. There is no reason why Natalie, a happy, healthy little girl just stopped breathing and quietly died in her sleep. No reason. No reason.

On the one hand, it is reaffirming that my instinct at the time was that her illness (which seemed like a cold) was not severe enough to be lethal. Therefore, I didn’t miss something and there was nothing I could have done. It’s a start to putting my mind at ease.

However, it is also infuriating because we are left with nothing, no explanation, no answer for why our precious girl left us.

We are extremely grateful to the SUDC program for the time and effort they put into finding an answer for us. SUDC is rare, but we are not alone. I invite you to watch this video to learn more about it:

Since SIDS research spread the word about putting babies to sleep on their back and other simple safety measures parents can take, the SIDS rate has been cut in half. Perhaps one day, with the important work of Dr. Krous and the SUDC Program, the same will be true of SUDC. It won’t bring Natalie back, but it might help save another child and another family from having to endure the tragedy we have to live with every single day. (I’m never comfortable asking for money, but if you can, please consider sending a donation to the SUDC Research Program in Natalie’s memory. You can donate through their website. There, I did it.)

Christopher and I remain ever grateful for your love and support, especially in those first terrible months after we lost Natalie. It is hard to believe that we are now 4 1/2 years from that time. Much has changed in our lives — we now have sweet, little Gabriel, who is rapidly approaching the age Natalie was (he’ll be that age on December 28 this year), and our beautiful Roslyn is a 3rd grader and a wonderful big sister again. And much has stayed the same — we will never stop missing and longing for our Natalie Joy.

Five Birthdays

2011-08-06T14:23:00.004-04:00

Last Friday, July 29th, was Natalie's birthday. She would have been 6 years old. This marked the fifth birthday we have had to endure without her. It seems incomprehensible that five birthdays have come and gone now without our beautiful little girl. I found her birthday extremely difficult to get through this year. Unlike years past, when the days leading up to the birthday were hardest and the day itself was relatively OK, this year was just really, really hard. I kept thinking how Natalie was born on a Friday and this year her birthday was on a Friday. Six years have come and gone since I gave birth to her in such a quick, joyous delivery that I actually giggled when she came out. Six years, my goodness.

My brother Bob was here visiting us this year and so he and Gabriel and I went blueberry picking to honor Natalie's birthday (Roslyn was at camp and Chris was working). We picked over 12 pounds of berries and enjoyed each and every one of them. Gabriel had fun reaching and grabbing them off the bushes from the backpack. It was an overcast day and perfect picking weather.

I wanted to make a cake for her birthday - blueberry cake, of course. I spent days searching the internet for a recipe and searched through what seemed like hundreds of them - cheesecake, pound cake, regular cake, this cake, that cake. I couldn't decide. I was frozen with indecision. It was like I was paralyzed. And so, I didn't make any cake. Grief manifests in different ways and for me, this year, that's how it came out. We ended up having fresh blueberries over ice cream. Chris helped me make peace with my indecision by reminding me that that's how Natalie liked them best - just plain, pop 'em in your mouth and enjoy. He is right. We lit six candles but did not sing "Happy Birthday." It is not a happy birthday when your Birthday Girl isn't here anymore. How can it be? Instead, we all had a moment of silence, a moment to remember, a moment to cry for our beloved Natalie Joy.

Today, now over a week later, I wanted to pick more berries to build up our winter's supply in the freezer. We went back to where we picked last week on Natalie's birthday, but they were closed - "all picked out," the sign said. I was so disappointed having driven all the way up there. Gabriel was getting antsy in the car. The only other place I could think of to go is Rocky Point, but that's in Warwick, quite a long drive from Franklin, MA, where we were. Then I noticed directions we'd printed out to Harmony Farms in Greenville, much closer and on our way home. So we drove there and I was amazed at the abundance and fabulousness of their blueberries. It was even better picking than last week! Clusters of huge, sweet, perfect blueberries. I let Gabriel out of the backpack and he had a blast roaming up and down the rows of bushes, picking his fill, falling down, getting back up, being the amazing little boy he is. And, Roslyn was my wonderful helper, my big girl. We had a good time. Harmony Farms, we'll be back!

Happy Birthday Gabriel

2011-05-14T07:53:00.008-04:00

Gabriel turned 1 on Tuesday, May 10. I woke up feeling giddy. Just so happy he is here with us (still) and that he made it to his first birthday. He is such a happy boy. We celebrated just us four with one of Gabriel's favorite dinners - cauliflower, edamame, kale, and macaroni casserole (basically it's a healthy mac & cheese, light on the cheese). He ate voraciously and hummed as he did. I made a really wonderful dark chocolate cake with a homemade vanilla custard and a light chocolate glaze on top. He loved it -- especially squeezing it through his hands and making a mess he can be proud of.

As Gabriel gets older, there are more and more triggers of my memories of Natalie. He is like her in so many ways. They have the same sweet temperament. He is so easy-going. He loves pulling the books and videos off the shelf and dumping them on the floor. And you can't deny he looks so much like her. At other times he looks so much like Roslyn, too.

Happy Birthday my beautiful boy! Mommy loves you so much!

Relief

2011-03-18T10:29:00.002-04:00

It was a long night last night. Gabriel's Angelcare monitor went off for the first time (we've only had it for a few days). Thankfully, the Snuza monitor didn't go off, which means Gabriel did not stop breathing; he had just scooched himself to the far end of the crib. Nevertheless, it was enough to cause Chris and I to worry as we futzed with the equipment at 3:28 in the morning. I don't think either of us got much sleep.

But what relief to wake up this morning and hear that "tic" sound on the monitor, which signals there is movement - Gabriel is still breathing. Oh, thank goodness! We made it through this first anniversary with Gabriel and he is OK. It may seem silly to think something bad would happen on this day again, but nobody ever said grief was rational.

Now, I'm heading out to sit in Natalie's garden while the sun is still shining there. Maybe even clear out some old dead leaves and stuff. I miss my baby girl.

Heading now into our fifth year without my precious girl.

Grief x2

2011-03-17T11:50:00.004-04:00

Tomorrow will be four years since my beloved daughter passed away. The pain, when I have the strength to really let myself feel it, is still so intense and raw. I have gotten better with four years of practice at pushing it to the back when I just don't have the energy. It's always there, but I have more control over when I let it out.

This year, I have the added pain of losing my mother. It is like grief x 2. Double the grief. These days, I ooze grief. Here's my mom holding Natalie in January 2007, shortly before Natalie died. My mom was the last one in our extended family to see Natalie. She made the long trip from Las Vegas many, many times to visit us and be with her granddaughters, who she loved so much.

My mom was always such a loving support to me, especially after Natalie died. She would always call, and later she would email me pictures of the little arrangements she made with candles and little jizo dolls from Japan. They were so sweet and touching. My mom felt the pain of losing her granddaugter so much. She said she wished it had been her instead. She said that's how it should have been. She is right. Natalie's early death was not the natural order of things. Now, sadly, my mom has passed, too. And now I feel more alone with my grief than I ever have. I miss you, Mommy. And my precious baby girl, you are forever in my heart. I love you, and I miss you so much, sweet Natalie.

More About Gabriel

2011-01-20T10:34:00.008-05:00

Now, I'd like to tell you more about my spectacular little boy. I am mad at myself for letting so much time slip by, but, if you read my other post, it was a rough year. I let a lot of things slide. One thing I did not let slide, however, was taking the time each and every day to enjoy my little Gabriel. From the moment he was born, I have done my best to live in the NOW, not in the past and not for the future. Gabriel has been a joy every day. He has such an easy-going personality. I am ever grateful for this because I don't know if I'd have the stamina to handle a difficult baby at my ripe old age. Gabriel was a great sleeper for his first four months, averaging one wake-up per night, which usually required a feeding and then back to sleep. Somewhere around the four-month mark (this coincided with my mom's arrival to Providence), he started waking up more and more. Now I don't even bother to keep track or check the time. I just roll over, feed him, pick him up and snuggle him, or do whatever it takes to get him back to sleep. Usually it's pretty easy and I find I'm not as tired as I would have expected given the frequency. Maybe I'm just adapting.

In his first several months, Gabriel was growing and gaining weight so fast, he was off the charts. By his 2-month checkup, he weighed over 16 lbs! Of course, he was big from birth, but he was gaining about 1 lb. per week for awhile there. I was starting to worry he'd be bigger than me by his first birthday. Fortunately, he slowed down and now he's still in the 90th percentile for weight and off the charts for length (maybe he gets the tall genes from my mom's side of the family... time will tell). We'll find out how he's doing at his next checkup (9 month) on Feb. 9.

Gabriel is smiley and has the best giggle. He loves his big sister and wiggles with excitement whenever she's around. He loves Cheerios, something he can now easily feed himself, and is slowly getting on board with other foods. Yo Baby peach yogurt is a special favorite. He is the pickiest eater of my three babies, which is interesting to me. They are all different. Like Natalie, Gabriel is quite a drooler and has been seen sporting the "diaper bib" that many people used to think so funny when Natalie wore hers. Hey, it works better than replacing cold, wet, soggy bibs every 10 minutes.

A Major Scare
Shortly after Gabriel was born, we bought a little device called a Snuza. It's a tiny little movement monitor that clips onto his diaper and rests against his belly to monitor his breathing. It it goes for 20 seconds without any movement, it sounds an alarm. Shortly after Thanksgiving, I had put Gabriel down for a nap in his crib. (He sleeps with me at night, but we were encouraging napping in the crib now that he is more mobile to keep him safe.) Because he could roll over from his back to his belly, I was checking him frequently throughout the nap. I had found him completely face down on the mattress a couple of times, and turned him over so he could breathe easier. About two hours into the nap, I was just starting dinner and heard the Snuza alarm go off through the regular sound monitor in the room. I bolted up the stairs, and found Gabriel completely face down in his crib. I immediately scooped him up and shook him to wake him up. A couple seconds went by and then he opened his eyes. I am fairly certain that he had stopped breathing and that little Snuza and my quick reaction may have saved his life. I don't even want to think about it. Suffice it to say, I was freaking out. I called the pediatrician and they have arranged for Gabriel to see a sleep specialist. The appointment was originally scheduled for last week, but we had a big snowstorm and it was cancelled. Now, we wait until Feb. 2 to meet with this doctor and see if there's anything we can do to figure out why little Gabriel may have stopped breathing. Is there a neurological malfunction in his brain that caused him to not turn his head so he could breathe? Why does he tend to sleep completely face down? Is there any possible connection that could explain why Natalie died? Is it a genetic problem our children have?? These are all questions we hope to get answers for. In the meantime, it's been stressful for me and Chris whenever Gabriel is asleep. Increasingly, he wants to roll over and sleep on his belly. At night, I cannot let him do this and often end up wrestling with him, both of us sleepy, to keep him on his back or at least slightly cocked to the side. For naps, we no longer use the crib, but strap him into a little recliner chair so he can't roll over. He doesn't like it sometimes, but that's the way it must be for now. Oh, when will the universe give us a break!!??

Here are pictures of our little Gabe, the cutest little guy in the world!

A sad goodbye

2011-01-20T10:06:00.009-05:00

2010 turned out to be a very difficult year. Aside from the joy of welcoming baby Gabriel to our family in May and Roslyn's general wonderfulness, it was a rough year. Two weeks after Gabriel's birth, my mom had to be rushed to the hospital after becoming so dehydrated from a bad bout of diarrhea and vomiting that she almost died. She recovered, but unfortunately, the experience left her mobility greatly impaired. This, on top of being diagnosed with Parkinson's in April, was not good. My brother spent the summer with my mom at her home in Las Vegas (no, I'm not from there... she moved there from Michigan, where I grew up, in 1997), and together we made her realize that she could no longer live alone. She had to come to Providence, which is something Chris and I had been trying to convince her to do for years. She arrived in mid-August following some other medical issues that required further testing once she got here. She had her tests and by mid-September, she and I were sitting in the office of the chief oncologist at The Miriam Hospital listening to the unbelievable diagnosis: "You have a large malignant mass on your duodenum... prognosis is 5-7 months. Surgery is not an option because it has spread to the liver and other organs... Chemotherapy is not likely to be helpful, but is an option for you..." My mom and I have a good cry. She decided to go ahead with the chemo... she felt to do otherwise would be giving up. She needed to fight it as best she could. Sadly, the doctor's prognosis of 5-7 months because a reality of 5-7 weeks and my mom passed away on October 23. My brother was able to return from Korea, where he lives, to be with her and we were both by her side when she took her last breath. Another traumatic experience that haunts me. And another grief I must bear. Rest in peace, beloved mother.

Maternity leave comes to an end

2010-08-05T21:19:00.002-04:00

Tomorrow I must return to work. While I love my job, it is really breaking me up inside to have to be away from Gabriel for any length of time. I haven't been away from him for more than 45 minutes during his entire life, and that was only on two occasions. I have taken care of him and loved him practically every minute of his young 12 weeks and four days of life. He is such a treasure. Tomorrow he will be taken care of by his dear Daddy, the next best person to his Mommy. I have pumped milk and stored it in the freezer so he'll have his nourishment. I just hope he doesn't feel that I've abandoned him. I hope he will make the transition easily. He is a pretty easy-going little guy, I just hope it all goes OK.

Natalie's birthday

2010-07-28T21:53:00.003-04:00

July 29 is Natalie's birthday. She would have been 5. We should be celebrating, but instead we cry. I miss her so much, it hurts beyond words. I think of her every day, but it has become so incredibly painful that I often have to push the thoughts of her from my mind. Usually when I do let myself really think of her, it's when I'm nursing Gabriel. And I often end up bawling my eyes out. Gabriel has triggered my grief in ways I could never have predicted. I am so in love with him and so grateful he is here, but at times, it is all very confusing.

Here's Natalie on her 1st (and only) birthday with blueberry cake all over her. Tomorrow we will eat blueberries and we will cry and we will remember and we will smile. I love you Natalie. Happy Birthday, sweet girl.

Welcome Gabriel

2010-05-20T11:26:00.011-04:00

We are so excited to welcome our son, Gabriel Robert Adamo to our family. We chose the name Gabriel because we liked it a lot, but also because Gabriel is an angel and we wanted in some way for it to have some special meaning in relation to Natalie. Robert is after my dad, who died suddenly of a stroke in 1984 when I was 18 years old. We wanted to honor him, too. Plus, his initials are GRA and Roslyn's are RGA (for Roslyn Grace Adamo), so they're like bookends. A nice symmetry.

We are in awe that Gabriel is here with us — finally!! As many of you know, he didn’t seem to want to come out EVER! At 13 days past his due date, we finally had to give him a nudge. My midwife broke my water at 9:20 p.m. on May 9, Mother’s Day -- or, as my husband says "we emptied the pool." Within a short time of walking around the hospital corridors, contractions started and labor was in full force. One of the places I sat for awhile was directly above the new main entrance to the hospital where they have the brick pathway. We purchased a brick for Natalie since she was also born at Women & Infants' Hospital and the chair where I sat and had my first contraction was directly above Natalie's brick. It felt right to be there and I know she was helping me. I made several trips up and down the halls, checking back every 15 minutes so they could check the baby's heartbeat. He was doing great. Then on one of my solo trips, I had such a powerful contraction, I couldn't walk and had to lean on the arms of a chair and call for Chris to come and help me. Somehow he got me back to the labor room and the contractions were now coming every minute or two, it seemed. I didn't get much of a chance to rest in between. I noted the big clock on the wall directly across from me as midnight came and thought, "oh well, he's not going to be born on Mother's Day, but he'll still have a very auspicious birthdate of 5-10-10." My midwife was so great, giving me updates and telling me that "very soon" he would come out. Then, after 10 minutes of very intense pushing, Gabriel emerged at 12:55 a.m. Once his head and shoulders were out, Chris pulled him out and placed him on my chest and I snuggled him. He was whimpering and I started to talk to him and the sound of my familiar voice calmed him down and he looked up at me, like "I know you." It was magical. After awhile, Chris cut the cord and they took him away to weigh him and do what they do.

I can’t tell you how relieved I was to have gotten through the pain of my third natural (drug-free) childbirth and to see him for the first time!! I couldn’t believe it when they told me he weighed 9 lbs 5 oz!! He was huge compared to Roslyn and Natalie who were 7.8 and 7.1 respectively. Definitely a big boy and so, so healthy! It is all we could have hoped for and definitely worth the wait!

He is now 10 days old and seems to be settling into a good rhythm of sleeping at night (the past two nights he did a 5-hour stretch followed by a 4-hour stretch!!), nursing well, making lots of dirty diapers, and being incredibly cute and charming. It’s pretty cool. I am starting to feel more like myself again, now that I'm getting on average about six hours of sleep at night.

This hasn’t been an easy journey but we are so thrilled that Gabriel is here and part of our family. His big sister Roslyn is so excited and in love with him. She keeps calling him “sweetheart” and wants to hold him as much as she can. He seems to enjoy being in her arms. And we know that his other big sister Natalie is watching over him. Our precious angel. The pain of losing her is magnified a million times right now. I cry a lot and relive the events of March 18,, 2007 in my mind. It is still so unbelievable, the pain is still so raw. It is a very difficult thing to be so happy one minute and so terribly sad the next. But that's the way it is. I am so full of love for all my children now, it is overflowing.

Thank you to everyone for all your prayers, love, and support. Here are some pictures of Gabriel and our family, and Natalie's magic brick at the hospital.

Love,
Beth, Christopher, Roslyn, and Gabriel (and our angel Natalie)

Waiting for baby

2010-04-20T21:36:00.003-04:00

I am now 7 days from my due date, April 27. I am ready whenever he is... Getting very excited to meet this little guy, hold him, look into his eyes, and not have to keep carrying this watermelon in my belly anymore. But trying to stay relaxed and be patient. I have another checkup tomorrow, so I'll find out how things are progressing. Two weeks ago I was 2 cm dilated and 50% effaced, but that apparently doesn't mean anything except that things are starting to "ripen." It's starting to feel like a long time that I've been pregnant.

But the waiting continues for now. Here's Roslyn and I with our neighbor's new puppy who decided to take a nap in my coat!

My little bunnies

2010-04-04T10:45:00.004-04:00

Here's Roslyn and Natalie with Grandma Adamo on Easter 2006. We only got one Easter with Natalie. She was such a sweet little bunny.

March 18th

2010-03-18T09:41:00.003-04:00

It is here, this horrible day. It is actually an incredibly beautiful day -- sunny and warm. In fact, it's so nice that our purple crocuses decided it was a good day to make their first appearance of the season. I thought it very fitting that it should be the purple ones that bloomed for the first time today, of all days, for purple was Natalie's favorite color.

I am tired and I just want to sleep now. I just want it to be over. But I know that even though this day will come to an end, the pain of losing my baby girl will never go away. It is now a part of me, as much a part of me as my flesh and blood and all of my life experiences, thoughts, feelings, and everything that makes me who I am. I have no choice but to welcome that pain and just let it be.

I'd like to thank my mom and all my dear friends who reached out to us today, sharing their memories of Natalie and expressing their sorrow and love for her and our family. It is truly a lifesaver. I thank my beloved Christopher and Roslyn, too. And of course, dear Natalie, to whom I am ever grateful that she shared her life with us if only for such a short time.

Ice cream in memory of Natalie

2010-03-15T20:47:00.005-04:00

March 15th has come again, the day I took my precious girl to Cold Stone Creamery three years ago. Three years. Sadly, the store on Thayer Street where we went has closed (it's now a Verizon store -- no fun!), so we decided to have our Cold Stone fix at home. Yesterday, while out braving the rain and feeling completely disoriented from the "spring forward" time change, Roslyn and I picked up our Cold Stone out in Seekonk. Thank the universe they had banana and a nice dark chocolate close enough to the kind I had with Natalie. We got a quart to go.

Tonight, the three of us held hands as we remembered our beloved little Natalie. Tears streamed down my face and I did my best not to "lose it" in front of Roslyn. Roslyn said "I love Natalie" and we all said how much we wish she was still here with us. Roslyn wondered what Natalie would talk about (and if she would be able to talk). We assured her that Natalie would definitely be able to talk since she'd be almost 5 by now. I said I bet she'd be quite a little chatterbox, which made Roslyn laugh. We all savored every bite of that delicious, super-creamy ice cream. My thoughts kept returning to Natalie who was so excited to be out that night, a rainy night just like tonight. She kept going over to the window to look out at the people and lights on Thayer Street, returning to where I was sitting nearby with her mouth open for another bite of ice cream. She loved it and I loved that she loved it. We had so much fun.

As March 18th approaches, the dreaded anniversary, Chris and I have both been feeling the heavy weight of that day. We're tired, exhausted. The tears come easy and often. It is an exceptionally difficult time of the year. This year, as we are now six weeks away from meeting our baby son, there's an added layer of emotion. It doesn't make the anniversary easier to deal with or the loss of Natalie any less painful, but it does give us something good to look forward to. And something more to worry about.

For now, I will look forward to more banana ice cream in the coming days. And with every bite, I will think of my little girl who I love and miss more than words can ever express.

February 7th

2010-02-24T19:31:00.005-05:00

February 7th. Roslyn's birthday (2003) and the day Natalie had her febrile seizure (2007). I celebrate this day, the day my first baby girl was born, but I can't help thinking also of that scary day three years ago when Natalie suddenly started convulsing in my arms, I called 911, and we took her to the hospital in an ambulance. The doctors said she was OK and that it wasn't anything to worry about (it was "common"). At the time, I believed what the doctors told me, but now I have this nagging feeling that it was a first clue that something was wrong -- and nearly six weeks later, she was gone. A week following her seizure, February 14, Natalie had her 18-month check-up. Again, the doctor gave her two big thumbs up. She was healthy, strong, in the 90th percentile. Solid as a rock. Yet, five weeks later, she was gone. I don't know if I will ever be able to reconcile these facts. It just doesn't make sense and I don't think it ever will.

But February 7th is Roslyn's birthday and we are so happy and so grateful she was born and that she is still here to celebrate her birthday. The coincidence of Natalie's febrile seizure is just a coincidence and I try not to let it cloud the joy and celebration of Roslyn's big day. We had a fabulous party and a wonderful time -- all worthy of our big girl who is now 7. Happy Birthday, Roslyn. I love you.

The New Year

2010-01-02T23:51:00.004-05:00

For me, the New Year has always been a time to reflect back and look ahead. This year, as in the past three years since Natalie died, I am filled with contradictions. Highlights of 2009 include the completion of our new kitchen, Roslyn’s graduation from kindergarten and starting first grade at a new school, our trip to see dear friends in Michigan, and the conception of Baby Boy Adamo, who will be born sometime around April 27th.

We are thrilled beyond words that soon this new little person will be joining our family. I cannot help but feel that his existence is nothing short of a miracle. After countless failed attempts to get pregnant, I was almost ready to give up. And then in August, the pregnancy test was positive. Those first weeks and months were plagued with worry, a feeling of waiting for the other shoe to drop. Amazingly, it didn’t—and now we are more than half-way through (24 weeks), and this little boy is kicking up a storm.

Despite my burgeoning belly, I am still in a mild state of disbelief that this is really happening, that soon we will have a new baby to love. Roslyn is so excited to meet her brother. She dedicated a section of our Christmas tree to him, including special ornaments she made for him. She never forgets to include him as part of our family—just as she never forgets to include her precious sister, Natalie.

Roslyn is growing up to be a compassionate, caring girl. I can only imagine her confusion at times over what happened to her little sister. This past year, she has become much more conscious of the depth of the meaning of Natalie’s loss and is able to express herself in ways she couldn’t when she was younger. I am immensely proud of her.

The anticipated arrival of our son gives us hope for the joy he will bring to our family. But this hope is mixed with fear. In the coming months, we must undertake the task of putting away Natalie’s things to make room for the baby. Natalie’s room is going to change. It is an enormous burden, as I have tried so hard to cling to whatever remains of her—down to every detail. Yet, now I am finding that there are some things I need to let go of. It is time to “move on,” a term I have despised thus far because it seemed to mean leaving her behind, something I cannot ever do. But, time is helping me to understand that this is not true. She will never be left behind. She will never be forgotten by those she touched. She will live in our hearts forever. And soon, she will have a new brother who will grow to love her, too. Her clothes may not be in the drawers anymore, but this will not diminish in any way the love we feel for her or the place she holds—and will forever hold—in our family and in our hearts.

And so, we forge ahead, or as Christopher says, “we muddle through.” Here’s to the anticipation of starting another chapter in our lives. We remain forever grateful for the love and support from our family and friends. And we wish you all a happy, healthy, and prosperous New Year.

Only one stocking to stuff

2009-12-25T22:24:00.007-05:00

Christmas 2009 is now history. Our third Christmas without sweet Natalie. It was good and bad, as are most holidays now -- as are a lot of things in my life now. The worst part was stuffing only Roslyn's stocking. Natalie's stocking, though proudly hung by the chimney with care, remained unstuffed. There is no child here to give goodies to. It breaks my heart over and over and over again. I miss you, my sweet baby girl. You are always remembered, always loved and missed.

Roslyn had a good day. She woke us up a little after 7:00 saying "Mommy, it's time to get up and open our presents... Mommy, Daddy, come on, let's go..." Chris and I were sleepy and managed to get an extra 10 minutes in bed as Roslyn patiently waited, and then we all went downstairs. Roslyn was excited to see that Santa ate the cookies she'd left out for him and the reindeer food. We opened presents and had our traditional Christmas breakfast: grapefruit, bacon, and eggs Florentine. Chris's hollandaise sauce was pure perfection. We played and relaxed until it was time to go to dinner at our friends' house. Now I'm tired and ready for sleep. Tomorrow we'll play the new games we got for Christmas and just relax after the build-up to the holiday. Roslyn wants to learn how to play chess. Sounds good to me. Merry Christmas my beautiful girls.

Much to be thankful for

2009-11-25T14:33:00.004-05:00

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving. It has always been my favorite holiday. I love the feast, I love the togetherness, I love what it stands for. It is good to give thanks, good to show gratitude and appreciate what we have. But now, the holidays are especially difficult because at this time for being with family, we are not together anymore. Natalie is forever missing and the holidays only punctuate this sad fact. This will be our third Thanksgiving without her. We only got to spend two Thanksgivings with her. This alone is so incredibly sad. She was here for such a short amount of time. And yet, I am forever grateful for the time we had with her. It is so precious.

As I reflect on what I am thankful for, I think of my children -- my beautiful Roslyn, my beloved angel Natalie, and now, my sweet unborn baby boy who we are expecting to arrive around April 27th. My THREE children. Yesterday I had my 18-week ultrasound and it was confirmed that we are having a son. We are thrilled, and even more thrilled that he seems to be developing normally and everything is going well so far. My screening test for chromosomal abnormalities came back with a risk of 1 in 40,000, which at my ripe old age of 43 is pretty amazing. Chris and I have spent the last several months since we found out I was pregnant feeling amazed that this is really happening and terrified of what could go wrong. We have been through so much already. It is understandable to worry. But I have decided that worrying doesn't do anyone any good, especially me and the baby. I let Chris do the worrying for both of us, and thankfully, he is starting to do less of that, too.

Now is a time to relax and enjoy and look forward to the promise of another new Adamo. We will always remember his big sister, Natalie, and I look forward to telling him about her. I know he will love her, too. Roslyn is so excited to be a big sister again, even though she wishes it were a sister. I think it's her way of missing Natalie and expressing her grief. I have no doubt that once she sees her tiny little brother, she will fall in love with him, too. We all have so much love in our hearts. Yes, I am thankful.

"Sharing Girl"

2009-10-23T12:35:00.012-04:00

This week was a biggie for Roslyn. She came home on Monday, thrilled to tell us that she had been chosen to be the "sharing girl" this week. In addition to being the first one to go to lunch, first to read in class, first to do a lot of things, the sharing girl gets to bring in something from home to show and tell her class. Yesterday was Roslyn's sharing day and she chose to bring in Stellaluna.

Stellaluna is a very special little stuffed animal in our house. She is the puppy that Santa gave to Natalie in her stocking shortly before she died. Natalie loved her and slept with her every night. Natalie just called her "doggie." At Natalie's memorial service, we placed "doggie" on her casket along with her favorite bedtime book, Eric Carle's "Head to Toe." During the service, Roslyn (then only 4 years old) marched up and grabbed the stuffed animal off the casket. I let her have it as it seemed to bring her some comfort. In the weeks that followed, I would sleep with the doggie. It helped me feel closer to Natalie somehow. When Roslyn discovered I'd been doing this, she asked if she could have her. Although she brought me comfort, I agreed to let Roslyn have her. A mother's sacrifice. Roslyn had renamed the dog "Brownie."

At some point later, I brought home a DVD from the library called "Stellaluna," a story based on the book of the same name about a baby fruit bat who is separated from her mother. Roslyn really loved it and decided that "Brownie" would now be called "Stellaluna" and that she was no longer a puppy dog, but a baby bat. Roslyn started to bring "Stell" as she's known for short everywhere. On one memorable trip to Target, Roslyn lost Stell and we didn't realize it until we were almost finished shopping, at least 30 minutes later. Roslyn burst into tears upon the discovery that Stell was gone. I was on the verge of tears myself. But she remembered where she left her (in the soap aisle), so we quickly made a beeline for where she thought she'd left her. Unfortunately, she wasn't there. I looked all around in the vicinity, but no sign of the lost baby bat. Next we went to Customer Service for the lost & found, but they didn't have her either. By some lucky coincidence, I just happened to notice Stell in a shopping cart that was full of random items that one of the store clerks was picking up to put back where they belong. Roslyn grabbed her and hugged her and we were truly overjoyed that we'd found our little Stell. We were really lucky.

Another time when we were at Sears, Stell accidentally slipped from Roslyn's grasp and we found her lying in the middle of the main aisle. Luckily, it only took us a few minutes to realize she was gone that time. After that, we decided that Stell could come with us, but it would be best for her to stay in the car. Now, she mostly just stays at home for her own safety.

It's amazing how strongly we all feel for this this little stuffed animal. It is clear to me that Stell is a major part of Roslyn's coping with Natalie's death. On a few occasions, she's slipped and started to call her "my little sis..." or "Nat....", but then she catches herself and says, "I mean, Stell." Oh, it breaks my heart.

Stell is starting to show the wear and tear of the intense love she bears. Roslyn's sharing day went well. She reported that her classmates were "very gentle with Stell." I know it made her feel really good to share with them.

Here's Natalie on Christmas Day 2006 with Stellaluna in the background (sadly, the only picture we have of them together), and Roslyn with Stell in November 2007.

My article about grief

2009-09-17T08:21:00.006-04:00

In my work as a writer at Blue Cross & Blue Shield of Rhode Island, one of my favorite things I get to do is write for their quarterly magazine, Choices. I've written on a variety of topics--bipolar disorder, sleep, celiac disease, emotional eating, talking to kids about food, and swimming, to name a few. For the fall issue, which just came out, I wrote about grief. Like grief itself, writing this article was both extremely difficult and very easy--the duality of opposites that is such a hallmark of grief (at least, it is for my grief). When the topic first came up in our writers' meeting, I wasn't sure whether I wanted to do it. After much consideration, I initially declined the opportunity. But after a couple of days of thinking about it, I felt compelled to do it. I HAD to do it. I asked if I could switch with the other writer and she happily agreed.

It took me almost as long to write the one paragraph in which I tell Natalie's story as it did to write the entire article. I struggled with trying to strike a balance between telling my personal story, and keeping it relevant for the magazine's readers. I was very conscious that it not be all about me, but yet it is such a personal subject, how could it not be? The other aspect that came up was that we wanted the reader to come away with some sense of hope that things do get better. It has only been two and a half years for me, which feels like a really long time, but in the grand scheme of things, isn't very long at all. I don't have the perspective to be able to offer assurance to people that it gets easier. But I can say that it is a process that anyone in my situation must go through, and they must go through it in their own way, in their own time.

I suggested to our designer the idea of the broken vase that is crudely glued back together--and he did a beautiful job. It is not the way it was before it was broken and it never will be, but it is mostly whole and can still serve its purpose of holding the flowers. It is a perfect metaphor for my broken heart that will never be the same, and my need to keep on going for daughter Roslyn, my husband, my family and friends, and myself.

Writing this article also gave me the opportunity to help raise awareness of SUDC, sudden unexplained death in childhood. Everyone has heard of SIDS, but so rare is SUDC, that very few people know about it, not even pediatricians. I hope that people will visit the SUDC Web site and take the time to learn more about this devastating thing that has taken away hundreds of precious children from their families, just like my little Natalie was taken from me. It is my way of helping the cause.

There's also a section for friends and family of someone who is grieving on what is helpful and what is not. This comes from my own personal experience, the experiences of other grieving parents, and the advice of experts. It is difficult to tell people what you need, especially when you are in the depths of grief and can't always express yourself coherently. Maybe this will help, too.

So here is the online version of my article, Picking Up the Pieces. Please share your thoughts, let me know what you think. The printed version of the magazine will be mailed to members by the end of the month, but you can also download it from the Choices home page in the upper right corner.

Back to the blog

2009-09-02T16:34:00.009-04:00

I can't explain really why I haven't posted since Natalie's birthday, now more than a month ago. It's not like we've been busier than usual. I just don't know. But now, I wanted to break the silence to give a brief update. August brought more blueberry picking (I think Chris and Roslyn picked a total of 30 lbs! We ate a lot of them, but we have a lot left in the freezer. We love them.) Last week, we finally completed our kitchen renovation. The last piece, the countertop for the island, was installed. We ended up going with butcher block and I think it looks really nice. I'll post pictures soon. We went to a rock climbing gym for Margaret's birthday party and we all got to climb the walls. What fun that was! August 24 saw Roslyn's first day of first grade, and her first day at her new school, Bay View. She has now completed five full days and one half day and when asked how she likes it, says "I LOVE it!!" That's good enough for me. Today I was a helping parent in the lunchroom and it was quite fun to see all the girls. Roslyn was beaming how much she loves me and giving me hugs every time I walked by. That was worth it. I will do this twice a month. Here are a few pictures from her first day of school and our rock climbing adventure.

Birthday Girl

2009-07-28T15:14:00.004-04:00

Tomorrow is Natalie's birthday. She would have been four years old this year. These pictures were taken on her first birthday. She had a great time posing and playing with her hat, taking it on and off and saying things like "Da!" I look at these pictures now and I remember so clearly the morning I dressed her in her pretty little outfit and how she played and laughed and kept trying to grab the camera. She didn't have any understanding that it was a special day for her, a special day for all of us. And I, of course, had absolutely no way of knowing that this would be the one and only time I'd get to sing "Happy Birthday" to my darling Natalie Joy. I'm so sorry, Natalie. I wish you were here to celebrate your 4th birthday with us. We miss you so.

"Vacation, all I ever wanted..."

2009-07-20T20:19:00.010-04:00

On Friday night we returned from our wonderful week in Michigan. Going back to the region of my birth (we didn't make it to the actual place of my birth, Ann Arbor) was good for my soul. How good it was to see familiar (simple) things like the road sign for I-94. No, not I-95, which is here in Providence. I-94, the interstate that goes from Detroit to Chicago and passes by Ann Arbor. How wonderful it was to go to a midwest-style farmer's market with Amish farmers selling their local produce and fresh baked goods. How spectacular to savor the perfection of a hugely plump Michigan blueberry (and of course, think of Natalie, my blueberry girl). How fun to hear real Michigan accents. How nice it was to be Home.

Our travels took us from O'Hare, one of the busiest airports in the U.S. to little Hickory Corners, Michigan. We took the Chicago subway downtown and walked a few blocks to the train station, where we picked up the northern Indian commuter rail, which took us to South Bend, Indiana. There, we were greeted by our friend, Michael, who drove us to our final destination, Gull Lake. Becky was there waiting to give us all big hugs.

For the next five days, we slept until we were ready to get up, went swimming whenever we wanted in the crystal clear, warm(ish) waters of Gull Lake, and visited with our dear, old friends. Between Becky and her sister, Jen, there are five kids at the house so Roslyn always had someone to play with. It was utterly relaxing and wonderful to know she was always having fun and safe at all times. The last night of our visit, our old friend Judy drove from Ann Arbor to visit us for dinner, and we were also joined by Becky's mom and dad. Although we are all older now, it was like old times when me, Judy, and Becky (and sometimes Phoebe and Kim) would spend part of our summer at Gull Lake.

It was also an opportunity for me to share my dear little Natalie with my friends. Jen and Judy hadn't seen many pictures of her and it was very special for me to share Natalie with them and have a good cry. I was filled with a sense of true friendship and caring that goes back to when we were all 4 and 5 years old. How amazing to still be friends after all these years.

As Michael drove us to the Amtrak station in Kalamazoo (also an old, familiar place) to catch our train back to Chicago, we passed a Big Boy restaurant, a Michigan institution. I lamented that I didn't even think to ask if there was a Big Boy nearby, and I missed this chance to go for my all-time favorite burger, the "Swiss Miss." I guess we'll just have to put that on the list for next time.

Then...

2009-07-06T21:31:00.003-04:00

Natalie patiently waits for her piece of Mommy's birthday cake, July 5, 2006.

Good to the last crumb. Good job, Natalie!

...and Now.

2009-07-06T21:19:00.008-04:00

Just the three of us.
Let them eat chocolate roll cake with raspberry cream and fresh raspberries. Oh, my!!

July

2009-07-03T13:00:00.005-04:00

My insides start to twist and constrict when July comes around. It's not quite as bad as March, but close. My birthday falls on the 5th of July and Natalie's comes three+ weeks later on the 29th. My birthday has become something I reluctantly "celebrate." Part of me feels guilty to be celebrating another birthday. How can I be doing this when Natalie isn't?! Part of me wishes it wasn't here because it means soon her birthday will be here and that will bring yet another period of agonizing pain, even greater than the normal pain I live with every day. What should be a happy time of year for our family is now shrouded in sadness. It isn't fair. It isn't right. But it is the way it is and I will try, as in everything, to make the best of it.

With and Without

2009-07-02T22:13:00.003-04:00

Yesterday, Roslyn and I had quite a busy day. I had to do two of my least favorite things: go to the DMV to renew my driver license and shop for a new bathing suit. On the way, the skies opened up and we got caught in a torrential downpour. With only one choice, we made a run for it and got soaked in a matter of seconds. We laughed as we toweled off in the ladies room. And after about five hours (with lunch and a trip to Trader Joe's thrown in), we headed for home. It was a pretty good day.

I got home and found a message on the machine from the JCPenney photo studio where I'd taken Natalie for a portrait when she was seven months old. They called to let me know about a special birthday promotion for my child since her birthday is coming up this month. Wow. Did that come out of left field for me. And sent me into a sobbing fit. This is the first time they've called since we had Natalie's pictures taken. Now what do I do? Call them and tell them to take us off their list because my baby died? Or just do nothing? I don't know.

Milestones

2009-06-26T15:15:00.006-04:00

Roslyn had two milestones last week. On Tuesday, she completed kindergarten, and on Wednesday, we discovered that she has her first permanent tooth coming in and her first loose tooth! Since the discovery, she has been constantly wiggling it. She is determined to get that bugger out.

The last day of kindergarten was hard for my girl. I picked her up from school and she was waiting for me, sobbing at her teacher's side. She ran over to me and hugged and clung to me for a good five minutes just crying and crying. I think it was mostly prompted by the knowledge that she will not be returning to MLK elementary school next year. Once she got over the crying, she was fine. Now summer is here and it's no looking back!

A needle in a haystack

2009-06-18T12:35:00.006-04:00

On Monday, Roslyn's school had its "field day." When Chris and Roslyn picked me up from work as usual, I was expecting to hear glowing reports of all the fun she had at school that day. Instead, I was greeted with a very sour face. I asked her what was wrong and she said she lost her special pink hair clip that was her favorite because it was in the goody bag at her birthday party. Oh, dear. I tried distracting her from this missing hair clip by asking about field day, but it didn't work. She was fixated and very unhappy. She kept saying she wanted to go back to school and look for it. When we pulled into our driveway, Chris said dinner could wait (we were having homemade pizza and it hadn't gone in the oven yet). So I told Roslyn I'd take her back for a quick look. "YAY!" She immediately brightened. We got to school and she started to excitedly tell me about all the fun things they'd done as she retraced her steps to find that hair clip. "And this is where we had the potato sack races... And this is where we did the obstacle course..." She had had an excellent day and it was fun hearing all about it. Alas, as we scoured the courtyard, the grassy field, and the sandy playground, we didn't find the pink jewel hair clip. I kept thinking, "this really is like looking for a needle in a haystack." As we were starting to give up (Roslyn seeming satisfied that at least we had tried), I noticed something in her hair. I said, "Roslyn, guess what?" "What, Mommy?" "I just found your hair clip!" "Where is it?" "It's in your hair, sweetheart." Roslyn reached to where it had been at the beginning of the day and said, "No, it's not." "Yes, honey... move your hand down more... do you feel it?" She did, and then... THE SMILE! We hugged and laughed and talked about how silly we were. I called Chris to say we were on our way home and please put the pizza in the oven. I felt really good afterward, like I'd done something right. And I think I did.

Girls in pink dresses

2009-05-29T17:40:00.003-04:00

This picture was taken May 27, 2006. It seems like ages ago Roslyn and Natalie donned their pretty pink and white dresses to go to their friend Robby's birthday party. The dresses were handmade in Argentina and brought back as a gift from one of Chris's clients. This was the only time they both wore their dresses together. Looking around the rest of the picture, I am taken back to those days when we bought diapers in bulk and they were seemingly all over the place. And there's Natalie's backpack, too. She loved to ride around in it while I did housework. She had a good view and loved to be close. "Back pack" was one of the first words she said and understood. Of course, she said it like "baa paa." Natalie was 10 months old and was learning how to wave. You can see her hand outstretched waving at the camera in the next picture. We were so happy then.

Mother's Day

2009-05-09T11:05:00.004-04:00

It's hard to believe that tomorrow will be my seventh year celebrating Mother's Day. Roslyn was only three months old that first year. She was the cutest little bundle in her pretty purple dress. I don't remember the second Mother's Day quite as vividly as the first, but I remember being pregnant with Natalie on my third.

It's my fourth Mother's Day that really stands out. It was in 2006 and was the one and only Mother's Day I got to spend with both of my daughters. Roslyn was 3 and Natalie was 9 1/2 months old. The Sunday before, Chris and I were reading the newspaper while the girls played. He asked me what I wanted for Mother's Day. I wasn't sure. I knew I didn't want any kitchen appliances or a box of chocolates. I wanted it to be something special that involved my children in some way. As I was flipping through the flier from Michael's (craft store), I noticed some mosaic stepping stone kits on sale. I thought, "that's what I want for Mother's Day, and I want it to have Roslyn and Natalie's hand prints in it." So off we went to the store to buy the kit.

On Mother's Day, we made the stepping stone. We mixed the cement and smoothed it out all ready for the girls to make their mark. Natalie, being the baby, went first. We pressed her little hand into the cement but she quickly grabbed it and mushed it leaving not a hand print but a big glob of cement. We had to try again... four more times. We laughed after each attempt. (She was just so cute!) Then finally, we decided to use her foot instead. We smoothed it out again and pressed her tiny foot into the cement. Success! A perfect little baby footprint. Roslyn went next and being a big girl, we only had to do one take for her footprint, too. We decorated around the footprints and marked it with the year, 2006.

We decided that making a new stepping stone each year would become our Mother's Day tradition. It would be a fun way to document their growth over the years, and have one-of-a-kind keepsakes to decorate our garden. I loved the idea. After Natalie died, I wasn't sure I wanted to keep doing the stepping stones, but we did -- in 2007 and in 2008.

Mother's Day is a painful day for me. I can't believe that this is the third one since she died. It breaks my heart all over again. As each one rolls around, it gets harder and harder to keep our stepping stone tradition going. This year, I find myself not wanting to really do much of anything at all. But I know I'll summon the energy from somewhere and we'll do it -- in honor of Natalie and Roslyn. Mother's Day is forever bittersweet, but I am eternally thankful for my two precious girls.

Socks for Natalie

2009-04-24T21:20:00.003-04:00

Tonight as Roslyn was getting ready for bed, she took off her three pairs of socks and handed me the outer pair she'd been wearing, a pair of Barbie socks that barely covered her heels because they are too small. She gave them to me and said, "Mommy, tomorrow I want you to wash these socks and fold them up and put them in Natalie's room.... because they're too small for me." I had to fight back the tears. Oh, sweet Roslyn, what an awesome big sister you are. How I wish Natalie could wear your hand-me-down socks. I'm sure she would have really liked them.

Easter bunny

2009-04-18T19:52:00.006-04:00

Roslyn had a good Easter this year. We decorated eggs, we made carrot cake, and we decorated the house. The Easter Bunny left her a hint in one of the eggs he hid as to the location of her Easter basket. She read it and figured it out and voila! There is was. It was delightful. We had a nice, relaxing day.

As on every holiday, my mind often wandered to sweet little Natalie, though. We only had one Easter with her. We spent it in New York. Natalie wore an adorable pink dress that had been Roslyn's the year before. Here's a picture from that trip of my sweet baby who I miss every second of every day.

"Super hero"

2009-04-09T11:06:00.004-04:00

This week is "reading week" in the Providence public schools. They invite parents to come in and read to their child's class. I happily volunteered to do this, thinking that it would be something Roslyn would really enjoy and remember. So, yesterday I went to the K-2 class and read Mike Mulligan and His Steam Shovel, the book Roslyn requested. It's a lovely story written in 1939 about a man and his steam shovel, which had become obsolete in the face of new technology. After successfully completing a daunting task, Mike Mulligan and his beloved steam shovel, Mary Ann, found themselves stuck in the cellar they had dug for the new town hall of Popperville. Nobody knew how to get them out. And then a little boy had a great idea to turn Mary Ann into the furnace for the new town hall. It's a wonderful example of the go-green mantra "reduce, reuse, recycle." Pretty enlightened for 1939.

I really enjoyed the whole experience of sitting in front of those bright young faces, having them greet me "good morning, Mrs. Adamo," and reading the story. When I picked Roslyn up from school, her teacher handed me a stack of thank-you cards and pictures the kids made for me. One little boy wrote, "Ms. Adamo is a super hero." That, along with the beaming smile on Roslyn's face made my day.

Spring comes to Natalie's garden

2009-03-26T14:47:00.004-04:00

It's been pretty cold still, but spring is trying ever so hard to come. Natalie's garden is coming back to life, which is nice to see. The forsythia and lilacs are budding, and there are quite a few bulbs popping up. So far, there are just three of these crocuses in bloom. I really love the white with the purple veins. They are so pretty and delicate and perfect for my sweet little girl.

P.S. If anybody knows how to stop whatever animal (squirrel? rabbit? skunk?) is chomping on my crocuses, let me know. Beyond annoying, it is actually heartbreaking for me to see this happening. Last year, we tried sprinkling them with garlic and cayenne, going on the idea that if it doesn't taste good, the critters will leave it alone. Alas, the flowers didn't like it either and many tulips wilted.

Numb

2009-03-21T20:14:00.002-04:00

What a week it was. Today Roslyn and I slept in and stayed in our pjs for much of the day. We had a leisurely breakfast, read lots of books, and I did some cleaning while she colored and kept busy. Finally, we got dressed for a visit to the playground where Roslyn was thrilled to see that her favorite swing, which had been broken for a long time, was finally fixed. She couldn't wait to get on it. Why is it her favorite? I don't know. It's just the one on the end. In desperate need of exercise, we played tag in the field and then came home so I could make dinner. It was a pretty good day considering the week that preceded it. Talk about intense. The two-year anniversary of Natalie's death really took a lot out of me. The stress and sorrow was particularly overwhelming this year. Now I just feel numb again. I don't really feel like doing much of anything. I am glad for this time to sit and write and not have to do anything else. But now I'm going to have some ice cream...

The Last Day

2009-03-17T22:15:00.002-04:00

Roslyn took this picture of the three of us on March 3, 2007. This was the last time we took pictures of Natalie. I wish we had more.

I've spent much of today thinking about my last day with Natalie, two years ago. We were both sick and the weather was terrible. It wasn't our best day. But we still had fun, us three girls, while Chris was at work. Natalie's energy was pretty good. She didn't nap well. After dinner, the four of us were sitting in the living room. Natalie and I were on the couch (the one in this picture), and Chris and Roslyn were in a chair across from us. There was a quiet moment when we all noticed Natalie reaching for her foot and brining it up to her mouth and licking it. It broke the quiet because we all started laughing. Natalie suddenly became aware of herself and looked to each of us with a look of satisfaction that she'd done something to make us all laugh. She seemed pleased with herself. It was a magical moment in which we were all connected through that simple gesture and our collective reaction. That moment encapsulated how spectacular and fun and amazing she was. She was the star.

I'm about to go to bed and I know my thoughts will be on that last night, getting ready for bed, and tucking her in. Natalie knew how much I loved her. Of that, I am certain. It is one of my only comforts through this terrible tragedy. "Nite-nite, Natalie. Mommy loves you, sweet girl."

Cold Stone Creamery Day

2009-03-15T21:28:00.005-04:00

Two years ago on March 15, I took Natalie out for ice cream to the Cold Stone Creamery on Thayer Street. It was our first time there. It was a rainy Thursday night. Roslyn was sick and Chris stayed home with her. I really wanted ice cream (for some reason), so I took my little pumkin out. We shared a waffle cone with dark chocolate ice cream and banana ice cream. Natalie was excited about the whole outing. She loved watching the lights, the people, and she enjoyed the ice cream a lot. (Yes, there was humming with each spoonful.) We had a great time together. It is one of my favorite memories of something just the two of us shared.

Last year, we went to Cold Stone Creamery to remember Natalie and this special memory. It is now part of our family's tradition as we lead up to the dreaded March 18. We explained to Roslyn why we do this; that it's a way for us to remember how much fun Natalie was and how much we miss her as a family. Roslyn was excited to go out for ice cream, but she also seemed to understand the meaning behind it. As we sat, I told her about the things Natalie did while we were there. Roslyn wanted to "run laps" around the railing like Natalie had done. It was very sweet. Roslyn lit a candle on the gratefulness.org web site and told me to write, "I love you, little sister."

Today, they didn't have dark chocolate, but they did have banana, so I had that. Chris had sweet cream with blueberry sauce, in honor of our girl who loved blueberries. It was sad and sweet, but a good thing we did as we begin this most painful week.

Here's Roslyn and Natalie from February, 2007. My two beautiful girls.

Remembering

2009-03-14T10:43:00.001-04:00

My biggest fear is that Natalie will be forgotten. Not by me or our family, of course. I know that could never happen. But I'm worried she will be forgotten by the people who knew her. She was here for such a short time. Is it possible that people won't remember?

This dreadful month

2009-03-13T16:52:00.004-04:00

I hate March. It's always been one of my least favorite months, but now it really is the worst. When the calendar turns, it's like a sudden tightening in my throat, a pounding in my chest, a sense of dread and sorrow and pain that this month brings. As March 18 draws closer, these feelings get stronger. I am now in the thick of it. I know that once that horrible date passes, nothing will be different. Natalie will still be gone. But maybe I can breathe a little easier knowing that I have gotten over another major hurdle -- the second anniversary. Two years. It's unbelievable. I've been crying a lot. There's a lot of other sad things going on in my life right now, which I may write about soon. For now, I just need to say it out loud: I HATE MARCH!!

Just because

2009-02-26T14:24:00.006-05:00

Some more pictures of my sweet baby, just because. From Sept 2005 and Sept 2006. Oh, how my heart and soul aches for you, Natalie.

Frame of reference

2009-02-25T12:23:00.007-05:00

March 18, 2007 has become my frame of reference for so many things. When trying to figure out when we did something, I always think, "Did that happen before or after Natalie died?..." Today I went to the dentist for the first time in a long time. When he asked me how long it had been since my last cleaning, I had to think: "I know I haven't been to the dentist since Natalie died, so that means it must have been sometime before... which means it's been over two years... And the last time I did go, Natalie was just starting to walk..." Ah, yes. Now I remember. So I answered him, "between two and three years."

Since dentists like you to go every six months, I felt rather delinquent, but only for a moment. My reasons for not seeing a dentist in over two years are quite understandable. Natalie's death has turned my life upside down and all around. Amidst the grief, I really do my best to take care of myself and my family. But it's hard to take care of everything. So I let my teeth go for awhile. It's done now. Everything gets done eventually.

My grief has been intense lately. I keep reliving the horror of that morning on March 18. I cry and cry, and then it passes. I consciously tell myself to focus on something else. Usually that works, but it comes back later, sometimes when I least expect it.

Here's my happy girl from March 2, 2006 when she was seven months old, the height of her chubby-cheeked cuteness.

Happy Birthday Roslyn

2009-02-12T14:33:00.004-05:00

February 7 - Happy Birthday, my wonderful daughter. I am so happy you were born this day 6 years ago! Wow! We left for the hospital in morning rushhour and a blizzard. It took about 30 minutes longer than it normally would have to get there, but we made it. I was 9 cm dilated upon arrival and they quickly whisked us down to the ABC, where you emerged after two very intense hours of pushing. Every inch of my body, every cell, was exhausted and weary. But you were here! A week late, you were here. A healthy, beautiful baby girl. Roslyn Grace. Life was never the same after that. What a blessing you are. I love you so much.

February 8 - To celebrate Roslyn's 6th this year, we threw a big party at the downtown ice rink. The day was sunny and warm, a welcome change from the deep freeze we'd been in this winter. With a spectacular Sleeping Beauty cake, a gang of delightful friends and their moms and dads, and fun on the ice, a good time was had by all. The only thing missing was her sweet little sister, Natalie. Always missing, always missed.

Dark Cloud

2009-01-30T19:04:00.003-05:00

I feel bad I haven't updated my blog in awhile. It has been too painful to even express in any outward way my grief these days. I have muddled through by keeping myself distracted by our kitchen renovation, planning Roslyn's birthday party, my mom and brother's upcoming visit, work, and the mundane realities of everyday life. But Natalie remains my first thought when I wake and my last thought when I go to sleep. I still cry myself to sleep. Last night was particularly bad. It is impossible to put into words how much I miss her, the horror of losing her, the incredible longing and yearning for her. It has been too much for me to handle so I distract myself. But even then it is always there, a constant, ominous cloud of sadness.

I want to post another Natalie picture because she is just so beautiful. Look at those gorgeous eyes. The lost promise, the lost joy of seeing her grow up... It is beyond words.

Sacred Dirt

2009-01-11T21:30:00.005-05:00

Getting through the holidays seemed a bit easier this year. I think this was because we have been so utterly distracted by our kitchen renovation (which is still not done!). Last year, New Year's Day was especially difficult because it symbolized the passage of time. Seeing the calendar turn from 2007 to 2008 was really painful because it meant that soon Natalie would have been gone for an entire year. While it hasn't gotten any easier to accept her death or live with the pain and grief (if anything, it's gotten harder), New Year's Day 2009 was very different. I didn't dwell on time. I didn't feel as angry. What I did do, after a lot of thought, was finally clean the screen on our TV.

Let me explain. At the time Natalie died, she had left her mark throughout the house in various ways. Over time, I found a puzzle piece under the living room rug (the "M" from our alphabet train puzzle, which was Natalie's favorite), a bottle of breast milk that had rolled under the dresser in her bedroom, books with torn pages, Chris's missing cell phone, to name a few. But one other thing she left behind was her slobbery fingerprints smeared across our TV screen. (There are some more on the glass door of our stereo cabinet, too.) After she died, these fingerprints became sacred to me. They represented the fact that Natalie really was here. She wasn't a figment of my imagination or only in my dreams. While most of the other things had been moved from the spot where she left them, these fingerprints remained. When I would watch TV, I could sometimes see them and I would relish in them being there. It was comforting in a way that's hard to explain. We had a cleaning lady come to help me with the house and I put big notes on the TV and stereo cabinet "Do Not Clean!" I think she thought this strange, but she respected my wishes. From time to time, I would dust the TV with the vacuum cleaner, but did not ever clean those very special smears. As time went on, especially after we began the kitchen renovation last August, I started to notice more dust in the house. It started to stick to the fingerprints. By early December, the TV was just plain dirty. I started to really consider the fact that soon I would have to clean it. I started to feel that the dirt was no longer Natalie's. It had changed. It was construction dirt and the dirt of time. And I finally decided it would be OK to clean it off. As January 1 approached, I planned that I would clean the TV on that day. Not for any major symbolic reason, but to perform just a small gesture to acknowledge Natalie and the passage of time. I thought about it a lot, sometimes as I lay in bed at night, sometimes as I sat watching that dirty TV.

When the new year arrived, I very consciously, and with only a moment's hesitation, wiped the TV clean while Chris and Roslyn were busy elsewhere. I cried, but I also made some peace with it. I was not erasing Natalie -- that would be impossible to ever do. After it was over, we went on with the day. We didn't do anything special. Now, a couple of weeks later, I do not regret doing it. And, thankfully, I still have the sacred fingerprints on the stereo cabinet, which I plan on keeping as long as I want.

Snow Angel

2009-01-05T21:47:00.003-05:00

Roslyn has so much fun playing in the snow. Just look at the glee on her face. It gives me hope and fills me with joy to see her like this -- my beautiful snow angel. Of course, I cannot think of angels and not think of Natalie, either. I take comfort in the thought that she is an angel of some sort. She is with me all the time.

As the holidays have come to a close, I am relieved. Today was Chris's birthday and we had a nice celebration. I am also looking forward to Roslyn's birthday in five weeks. This year, I want to embrace wholeheartedly her birthday and rejoice that she is still with me. I can't believe she will be 6! She's growing up so fast. The other night when I was tucking her in to bed, she asked me about Natalie. She wondered if Natalie would be at East Side Nursery School and if she'd be able to talk if she were still here. She seemed to miss Natalie very much, even though she still can't really articulate it. We both cried and I felt very connected to her in that moment.

As we drove home from the restaurant tonight, I suddenly felt the void of Natalie's absence. It struck me that she should be sitting in the back seat with Roslyn, not me. We should be a family of four, not three. I cried in the car, quietly and without anyone noticing. When I really think about who Natalie was, the real person she was, it is like a knife in my heart. I miss her so desperately. I can't imagine this feeling ever subsiding, and in a way, I don't want it to. I embrace the pain now. It is part of who I am.

Quiet Christmas

2008-12-25T20:50:00.007-05:00

Christmas has come to a close. Roslyn was so excited this morning to open her presents. She was very happy with all of her gifts -- the Sleeping Beauty bear, new pajamas, Little Miss books, and lots of other goodies. We had a lovely breakfast of fresh grapefruit and eggs florentine. Chris really outdid himself with the hollandaise sauce this year. Wow, was it good. Fully sated, we adjourned to the living room (now habitable, but still without furniture) and played a game of Sorry! Roslyn was victorious, which pleased her. We then got dressed and prepared some side dishes to take to our friends' house for Christmas dinner. How lovely it was to spend Christmas dinner with friends, rather than all alone just the three of us. It somehow made Natalie's absence easier to bear. I am grateful to them for inviting us to share this special day with them.

Upon returning home, I "lost it" while brushing my teeth (of all things). The tears just started pouring down my face and I couldn't stop for quite awhile. I think it was all of the keeping it under control that I finally had to just let it out. I miss Natalie. I am so sad she died. I hate it that she's gone. Roslyn should have her little sister here to play with. I know I've said it before, but Natalie should be here! SHE SHOULD BE HERE!! Oh, Natalie, please know how much we love you and miss you. I am posting a couple of pictures from Natalie's last Christmas. Seeing her and Roslyn together the way it should be, and now seeing Roslyn all alone just breaks my heart. Roslyn is alone too much. She should have her sister here to play with. I am tired now. I just want to go to bed and end this misery in sleep. Maybe I will dream of my sweet Angel. I hope I will. Good night sweet baby Natalie.

Missing Natalie

2008-12-24T23:20:00.002-05:00

It's Christmas Eve and Roslyn has visions of sugarplums dancing in her head. I am excited to see her reaction tomorrow morning when she sees what Santa brought for her. I hope she is happy.

Christmas, like many other aspects of my life now, is clouded with sorrow. The pain of Natalie not being here is even more acute with this holiday. I chose this picture of my happy little angel, which also shows her Christmas stocking in the background, which I lovingly made for her. We have hung it on the fireplace with care, but there are no hopes that her stocking will be filled. There is nothing to do other than put it up in remembrance of her life and the joy she brought to our family.

Merry Christmas, my beautiful Roslyn. Merry Christmas, my sweet little Natalie. I love you and miss you more than words can say.

Candles and Winter Wonderland

2008-12-14T17:37:00.003-05:00

Right now, Roslyn and Chris are out with friends at the Slater Park "Winter Wonderland" event. I did not go because soon I will be leaving to attend the worldwide candle lighting ceremony of The Compassionate Friends. This is an annual event around the holidays in remembrance of all children who have died. Last year, Roslyn came with me to the event. I think her presence gave many of the other bereaved parents some happiness to see such an adorable young child. This year, Roslyn didn't want to come with me. When her friend invited her to go to the winter wonderland, the choice wasn't difficult for her. Roslyn is all about embracing life and having as much fun as possible, which is as it should be. A small part of me wishes she had the capacity to grieve the way I do, the ability to miss her little sister, and understand the importance of events like tonight's. It is important to remember. It is all we can do now. We must remember. I know Roslyn remembers Natalie, but she was only four when her little sister died. How can anyone expect her to feel the same degree of loss that me and Chris feel? It's not fair to impose such expectations on her. And it is comforting in a way that her youth has spared her this intense pain. I am glad she is free to live her life and be happy. And so, she and Chris are off ooohhhing and aaahhhing over the pretty lights on the Christmas trees. I sit here alone in a dark house, waiting for the time to pack up my pictures of Natalie that I am bringing with me tonight. And it is all OK.

The candle lighting takes place tonight at 7 pm around the globe. Light a candle at 7 pm for Natalie and all children who have died. Remember, remember. Life is so precious.

Hostage

2008-12-10T10:46:00.003-05:00

Roslyn is home sick today for the second day in a row. It's a low fever with cold symptoms. Her spirits are good and she seems to have better energy than yesterday, but she just needs to rest. I hope she'll be feeling better and can go back to school tomorrow. Meanwhile, we are like hostages in our little "office"/family room. It is the only room on the first floor of our house that is not under construction. Today, they are here sanding the floors in preparation for refinishing them, which will happen next Monday and Tuesday. It was quite a job clearing out all the furniture and finding a place to put it for the next 10 days or so, but we were successful. Our upstairs is like a warehouse with all the stuff sitting around. Roslyn and I have been watching "Sesame Street" and waiting for a good time to emerge from our little cave so we can go upstairs and shower. The sanding is a noisy and dusty job, so there are plastic curtains blocking the stairs both up and down to the basement. We are beyond ready for this project to be finished. We had hoped it would be done before Christmas, but I don't think it will be now. Alas.

So much love

2008-12-04T23:36:00.003-05:00

At this moment, I feel filled with so much love. I wanted to post a fresh Natalie picture to express how much I love her, how deeply I miss her, how sad I am that she isn't with us anymore. So, here's Natalie. My sweet baby girl. My little angel. My beloved daughter. I love you.

This was taken in 2006 at my 40th birthday celebration. She was radiant in her adorable little halter top outfit. She's pointing to the ball because Dora is on it. There's so much expression in her eyes. She was such a beauty.

Giving Thanks

2008-11-26T15:00:00.003-05:00

As Thanksgiving approaches, I've been swamped with memories of my two Thanksgivings with Natalie. Three years ago, when she was four months old, we had Thanksgiving at my sister-in-law's house on Staten Island, NY. That's where we'll be going again this year. Natalie was obviously too young to partake of a proper Thanksgiving meal (well, she got it through my milk). She was smiley and happy with all of her family around her. I just remember her round face with her big dimples and bright, smiling eyes. She was such a happy girl.

On Thanksgiving of 2006, we went to a friend's house. Natalie was so wound up with other little kids there and all the excitement, she couldn't sit to eat her meal. I don't remember her eating much at all. She kept wanting to climb the staircase and I spent the entire meal jumping up to retrieve her from the steps. Never a dull moment with a busy one-year-old.

Ah, life.

On this Thanksgiving, I am grateful for my girls. I thank them both for blessing me with their lives. Natalie, though only here a short time, lived life to its fullest and made every day with her a pure joy. Roslyn continues to give me enormous amounts of pleasure as I watch her own personality take shape. I am so proud of them both. Thank you, Roslyn. Thank you, Natalie. I love you so much.

I am also thankful for my husband Christopher, for loving me and giving me so much. I am thankful for my mom, giving me a happy childhood despite her own adversity. I am thankful for my brother, Bobby, who I don't see as often as I'd like because he lives on the other side of the world. I am thankful for my dad, who has been gone now for 24 years, but who is always with me. I am grateful for my extended family in New York, Becky in Hickory Corners, MI, Phoebe in Beverly, MA, Judy in Ann Arbor, MI, and so many wonderful friends here in Providence.

I love you all.

Little Santa

2008-11-21T22:23:00.004-05:00

Mondays and Fridays are always a bit more hectic for us getting ready in the morning. These are the two days I work, so I have to get myself ready, pack lunches for everyone, and see to it that Roslyn gets ready. With our kitchen in the basement these days, it makes it hard to make lunch and be sure Roslyn gets up and gets dressed. So, I try to give her some responsibility of doing this all herself. (Sometimes it's a bit scary how much she's like me when it comes to getting up for school. I have a whole new appreciation for what my mother went through all those years. Sorry, Mom.) She usually prefers to do everything herself anyway (except when she's tired). Today I left her to do her thing. About 15 minutes later, I heard her footsteps on the stairs. "Mommy," she called. "Can you come up here? I want to show you something." What is it now? I'm still trying to get everyone's lunch and breakfast ready. I go up to meet her, fully expecting her to be dressed and ready for breakfast. But, no. There she is with a big smile, still in her nightgown, holding a toy catalog. There's a frame with a picture of a child wearing a Santa hat. "It's Natalie!" Roslyn said. "Look, Mommy, it's Natalie!" I have to say, it did look an awful lot like Natalie when she wore this Santa hat. I thanked Roslyn for showing it to me and gently nudged her to go upstairs and get dressed. How sweet. I know Roslyn misses her little sister a lot, probably more than she knows at her tender age. This picture was taken December 22, 2005 -- Natalie's first Christmas. She was so radiant.

Today was the shoe box packing party, which from all accounts went really well. I don't know how well Roslyn really got the idea. She seemed upset that she didn't get the Hello Kitty stickers for herself. It's hard for a 5 year-old to grasp such things. I still think it's good to start early with the idea of giving and helping others. I hope it will take root and help her blossom into a considerate, caring, and compassionate person.

Next Roslyn had her Daisy Girl Scout welcoming ceremony. Now it's official and she has her pin to prove it. Each girl was given a beautiful long-stemmed gerber daisy in various shades of pink. Roslyn came over in tears because hers head fell off. Oh, if only life was fair. Chris and I did our best to console her and suggested we put it in a pretty bowl when we got home. (Unfortunately, I took pictures, but they didn't come out very well.)

Since nobody was home all day, we decided to go to Whole Foods for dinner. Roslyn was so antsy, she couldn't sit still. Finally, Chris came up with the brilliant idea of having her run short laps around the salad bar, over to the drinking fountains, etc. How fun it was to watch her trotting around, dodging people, and returning to check in. It seemed to do the trick of settling her down.

A busy day for all of us.

By the way, thank you, Roxanne, for your very thoughtful card today. I am ever grateful for your support and kindness.

Brrrrrrr

2008-11-19T22:07:00.007-05:00

Today was much better than yesterday. It got surprisingly cold and I felt terrible sending Roslyn to school with just a fall jacket, but she had outgrown her winter coat from last year. I spent a good part of the morning shopping for a new one. First went to a second-hand store, but they didn't have much in her size. Went to Kohl's and found a cute outfit for her, but no coat. Thank goodness for Target. I found a cute black puffer coat that will keep her warm AND not show dirt. I also got her some new winter boots because with these radical changes in weather, you never know when you'll need them. She wore them from the time she got home until she had to take a bath this evening. I guess that's a good sign.

I also shopped for some toys to donate to a shoe box drive that some friends have organized. I wanted to get a small stuffed animal for the little boy (2-4 years) and had quite a choice -- monkeys, lions, giraffes, dogs, bears, tiger, etc. I settled on the elephant because I think that's the one Natalie would have liked best. It gives me a small amount of satisfaction to do these simple gestures that nobody else would even notice, but it means something to me and that's what matters. I feel good about giving to these less fortunate kids, and I think it's a great opportunity to show Roslyn what the holidays are really about. I hope she will get it.

Here's a recent picture of Roslyn taken on a warm fall day at the carousel in Roger Williams Park. We went to the park that day to visit Natalie's little tree, which seems to be doing very well and had a few touches of fall color. And today's Natalie picture was taken on Sept. 22, 2005 at almost two months of age.

November 18

2008-11-18T22:04:00.005-05:00

Today marks 20 months since Natalie died. It is incomprehensible to me. I had a rough day. Didn't sleep well and woke up with a headache. On my way to Ardente Plumbing Supply to pick up our new toilet, I passed the State Medical Examiners Office on Orms St. I was suddenly filled with memories of March 18, how we waited for hours for the M.E. to come to our house. Natalie lying on the couch, dead. Finally, he came and explained what they would do and then he carried my little baby out of our house in a child-sized body bag. I remember how lovingly he carried her. Such memories haunt me. As I drove past the building, I burst into tears and then quickly pulled myself together for my own safety since I was still driving. It's amazing how the intensity comes and goes. I have come to understand the power of thought more and more.

Roslyn wasn't wearing her coat when I picked her up from school, and refused to put it on despite my urging and her teacher's. (It was quite chilly today.) Stubborn, stubborn girl. After a few minutes of swinging on the monkey bars, she came running over asking for her coat. I have to remind myself that she needs to find her own way, and this is just one more example of her asserting her independence and control over her life. Still, on a day like today when I'm tired and sad, it tests my patience. Fortunately, I have learned to take a deep breath and bite my tongue when the urge to yell comes. I think I am doing a pretty good job with that.

This picture was taken on October 18, 2006; Roslyn and Natalie were coloring together. Natalie made some beautiful scribbles that day, which I cherish.

Pictures

2008-11-15T22:51:00.004-05:00

Sometimes it is too painful for me to look at Natalie's picture. It brings my grief to the surface and it is still so raw. A friend recently told me that seeing these pictures of Natalie helps her feel closer to Natalie. I hope that is the case for other people, too. I know that for me, seeing her bright, beautiful face just magnifies the immensity of losing her.

This picture was taken on February 1, 2007. Such a cutiepie.

Time to go to bed now and check on my sleeping Roslyn.

Babies

2008-11-12T16:52:00.003-05:00

Here's Natalie and Roslyn at one month of age. Seeing these pictures of my girls as tiny babies makes me want to cuddle a newborn so much. Christopher and I have been trying to get pregnant for well over a year now, since Natalie died. I had a miscarriage this past April and now we are "trying" again. It is yet another challenge at my "advanced maternal age" but somehow hope springs eternal. Even with the monthly roller coaster of hoping and then disappointment. The fact that anyone gets pregnant at all seems like a miracle to me. When you think about all of the factors that must be right, it's amazing. I now know how incredibly lucky we were to get pregnant so easily (on the first try) with both Roslyn and Natalie. It is just one more aspect of my life now, with and without my children.

Natalie's Novembers

2008-11-10T21:56:00.004-05:00

Here are two pictures of Natalie, the first taken on this day two years ago. The other one was taken the previous year, in 2005 when she was 3 1/2 months old. What a difference a year makes in the life of a young child.

I just got back from my meeting of The Compassionate Friends, a grief support organization I've been going to once a month since July 2007. I always feel better after going and being able to cry and talk about Natalie amongst a room full of people who completely understand and know what it feels like to lose a child. None of us want to be in this club, but we are, and it's comforting to know I'm not alone.

Natalie was always so wide-eyed as a baby. She was so alert. I always attributed it to her all-natural birthing and being so bright, she didn't ever want to miss a thing.

Roslyn can read!

2008-11-07T23:18:00.004-05:00

The highlight of my day: After dinner, Roslyn and I sat down to read some books. There were three she'd picked out for me to read, and one she wanted to read herself. It was a Peter Rabbit ABC book. I read the three books, and then it was Roslyn's turn. How totally cool to sit with her and listen to her sound out words and get them right. Roslyn is learning to read! It was so much fun to see her brain making the connections. Very exciting.

Bundle of Joy

2008-11-06T21:42:00.002-05:00

Here's baby Natalie on November 20, 2005. This outfit was a gift and was so warm and cozy. She was such a cute little pumpkin.

Today I got an email from a visitor to Natalie's web site. She wrote to tell me that her baby daughter, Natalie Adamo, had just died on October 21, 2008 at 11 months of age. It turns out that her daughter had leukemia and was receiving treatment at the children's hospital in Ann Arbor, Michigan, my home town. What a strange world we live in to have such coincidences. I am so sorry for her loss. I remember well those initial days and weeks following Natalie's death. I was so numb. I didn't care about anything. But Roslyn helped me. She gave me a reason to get up in the morning. And I did get up, every day, showered and dressed, and managed to get through each of these past 19 months and 18 days. I feel like this was quite an accomplishment under such circumstances.

Time to go to check on my sleeping Roslyn now, and then go to bed. Nite, nite, my sweet Natalie.

19 months and 18 days

2008-11-05T13:50:00.004-05:00

Here's today's picture of Natalie, this one taken March 3, 2007, 15 days before she passed away. This is the last set of pictures we have of her. We took them when Roslyn and Natalie opened presents from our friends in England. Roslyn got a furry lion vest and Natalie got this fuzzy lamb vest. She loved it and refused to take it off any time she wore it. She would put it on and say "Baaaaa" like a lamb. She was so much fun.

As we muddle through this day, Natalie's Equinox, I am reassured by the love and support of friends and family that Natalie will always be remembered. We love you, Natalie. And we miss you more than words can say.

Natalie's Equinox

2008-11-04T21:28:00.002-05:00

Tomorrow, November 5, will mark the time that Natalie has been gone as long as she was here. Is there a name for this day, this marker of time? A friend suggested we call it Natalie's Equinox and I think that's pretty close. It is so utterly incomprehensible to me that she has been gone as long as she was here. Where has the time gone? And yet, I look at Roslyn and she’s much bigger now, much more mature. She’s in kindergarten! Somehow this time has passed. I know I have more grey hairs and bags under my eyes. In some ways, it feels like forever. In other ways, it feels like it just happened. The pain of losing Natalie is as fresh as it was 19 months and 18 days ago.

When I was 18 years old, my dad died suddenly from a stroke. When I turned 36, I remember so vividly thinking that now I had lived half of my life without him. As time goes on, I live more and more of my life without him. With Natalie, it is ever so painful because she was here for such a short time, just 19 months and 18 days. Once again, I feel scared at the thought of time moving forward, even though I know it will and there's nothing anyone can do about it. Maybe I’m scared that her memory will fade and it will be like she was never here? I wonder if I’m making it worse for myself by making a big deal out of this marker of time. One could say that it’s just a day like any other day. But I don’t believe that’s true. Some days do have more meaning and significance.

We have a busy day ahead of us tomorrow, but we will be lighting 19 candles in memory of our sweet little angel, this exceptionally adorable and special little person who was here, if only for a little while. I pray that her memory will not fade.

Happy Natalie

2008-11-02T10:54:00.003-05:00

Our happy Natalie Joy on June 23, 2006, about a month before she turned one. She loved having her picture taken and always had a big smile ready. She was such a happy little girl.

Halloween 2008

2008-11-01T00:03:00.004-04:00

Well, Halloween is in the can for this year. What a relief. Roslyn loved trick-or-treating and approached the task with serious determination to hit every house that seemed welcoming. I loved watching her walk up to people's front doors with her mouse tail wagging behind her. Her costume was even cuter tonight than yesterday. And just in case you're wondering about the picture, Chris is Angelina's cousin Henry and I am Miss Lily, the ballet teacher. This was Chris's second year as a mouse (last year, he was Gus, the fat mouse from Cinderella), and he was happy that this year, at least, he didn't have to be the FAT mouse.

Whenever thoughts of Natalie came into my mind, I blocked them out as best I could. It is just too painful to be without her on Halloween. Of all holidays, this one is a real toughy. Let's face it, they're all sad and miserable without her. And that's not to diminish the joy that my sweet Roslyn brings, but the pain of losing my baby clouds everything now. This is how it is: my life with and without my children.

Happy Halloween, Roslyn and Natalie. I wish you could grow up together. I wanted that so much.

Here's the picture for today: our happy family of four on Natalie's last Halloween.

Halloween Parade Day

2008-10-30T17:04:00.011-04:00

Today was the East Side Nursery School Halloween parade. Roslyn is Angelina Ballerina this year and I have to say, her costume came out pretty darn cute. We were so glad to see many friends from Roslyn's class. Lots of current students and alumni were there all dressed up in their Halloween finest. I looked around at the younger kids, who are in the class Natalie would have been in. I observed them and wondered if Natalie would be the same size, acting the same way. I looked at them and thought how sad it is that they don't know what they're missing. I thought about Natalie's costume -- what would she have wanted to be this year? She'd be old enough to have a preference for sure. Dora the Explorer? Maybe a princess? Maybe something completely different? I looked at the sandbox in the play yard and had visions of my little one-year-old Natalie sitting there getting herself dirty. Oh, how she loved the sandbox. It is always difficult for me to be around so many little children because it magnifies the absence of my second daughter.

Here's today's picture(s), taken on November 2, 2006. That year, Natalie was Captain Hook for Halloween, but I had this great Cat in the Hat costume, which Roslyn had used two years before. I had a feeling Natalie would outgrow it by the next Halloween, so I put her in it and took this great series of pictures. She was so funny, pulling the hat down over her face and then posing perfectly for one of my favorite pictures of her. She was so much fun. I miss you so much, Natalie.

Sleep

2008-10-29T18:17:00.005-04:00

Here's Natalie on August 17, 2005 at the ripe old age of three weeks. Those first few weeks she had her days and nights mixed up. I remember many walks with her in the wee hours of the morning in a desperate attempt to get her to sleep. The Snugli always seemed to do the trick. I am not a morning person, and I remember being amazed to see people out jogging at 5:30 in the morning. "Are they crazy?!" I often thought to myself. Upon returning from our walk with a sleeping Natalie on my chest, it was always a delicate balancing act to transfer her out of the Snugli and into her bassinet. Many times, I was unsuccessful and then had to go through it all over again or, more often than not, just not get any sleep. I have often felt guilty about complaining about never getting enough sleep. I'd give anything, including ever sleeping again, to have her back. Of course, it doesn't work that way. Life isn't fair.

Halloween 2006

2008-10-28T20:25:00.002-04:00

Here's Natalie as Captain Hook for Halloween. Roslyn was Tinkerbell, Chris was Peter Pan, and I was Wendy. Having sweet little Natalie be the evil Captain Hook seemed so perfect. Her costume was so good that an hour before we were ready to go out trick-or-treating, Roslyn said she wanted to be Captain Hook instead of Natalie. Too late, Roslyn. This was taken on our neighbor's doorstep where Natalie decided it was time to take a rest. As we all moved on, she continued to sit there. "Come on, Natalie," we all called to her. Finally, I had to go get her and carry her to the next house. She was a trooper that whole night as we went around the neighborhood. It was truly the best Halloween ever.

Picture of the Day

2008-10-27T21:12:00.004-04:00

I've decided that my blog needs more pictures of Natalie, so I'm going to start a "picture of the day" feature. In no particular order, I'll do my best to post a new one each day. I've already posted a bunch of pictures on Natalie's memorial site, but there are hundreds more to share! I hope that in some small way, these photos will help the world get to know my sweet Natalie a bit better. I welcome your thoughts, so don't hold back!

Here's a first one to start. This picture was taken on August 1, 2005. Natalie was three days old. My little angel.

Sunday, October 26 - Funk
Yesterday was a really hard day. I don't know why some days are easier than others, but yesterday I was definitely in a funk. I guess every so often, I just need to cry my eyes out. I went to the Unitarian church here in Providence for the second time. I guess I'm searching for some kind of understanding about life and the mysteries of the universe. I came home and found my husband dutifully chipping away at the old paint on our living room radiator. I took over the task with relish, as it was just what I needed. The act of picking and scraping the paint gave me a sense of satisfaction and accomplishment. I cried at times, the missing and longing for Natalie was overwhelming.

Roslyn had a great day, and we ended by singing "The 12 Days of Christmas" and going to bed.

Breathing and flashbacks

2008-10-24T16:55:00.005-04:00

Since Natalie's death, I have become unusually aware of breathing--that simple act we all do thousands of times a day, usually without even noticing. I think it is because Natalie stopped breathing that I am so hypersensitive to it. When I check on Roslyn after she's gone to sleep, I first listen for the sound of her breathing. If I can't hear her, I rush over and touch her cheek or forehead to feel if she's warm. This usually causes her to stir, take a deep breath, and move around a little, but not wake up. Sometimes, I've been in a panic and pounced on my poor sleeping daughter to make sure she's OK. Once I feel reassured that she's fine, I say "Thank you, Roslyn" (for not dieing).

Since we've been having our kitchen remodeled, Roslyn has been sleeping in our room, in a cozy "nest" on the floor next to my side of the bed. I love having her so close so that I can hear her breathing when I wake in the middle of the night. I also listen to hear Chris's breathing. Sometimes, I have to listen really closely to figure out whose breathing I am hearing. If it's Chris, I lean over and touch Roslyn. If it's Roslyn, I reach over and touch Chris. Reassured that my two loved ones are safe, I can then go back to sleep.

More often than not, going back to sleep is hard for me. Inevitably, my thoughts turn to Natalie. I am flooded with images of her on the morning of March 18. Seeing her dead face, feeling her cold, stiff body. I relive that horror over and over and over. I have wondered if it's a form of "post-traumatic stress," and I think that it is. Sometimes I lie awake for hours, trying to change my thoughts so I can go back to sleep. But then the flashbacks creep in and I am forced to relive it again. I cry and cry and then, exhausted, I eventually drift off.

Apple picking

2008-10-19T21:17:00.005-04:00

Roslyn, Christopher, and I went apple picking today. It was a brisk (that's putting it nicely... it was really cold!) fall day with occasional glimpses of sun. We decided to go to the same place we've gone for the past two years, Steere's Orchard in Greenville, RI. As we were driving there, Chris noted that he'd forgotten something. What he'd forgotten was that the route to the orchard is the same one we had to take to the funeral home. I think it caught him a bit off guard. I wondered if he'd have agreed to go to this place if he knew it was on the way to the funeral home.

When we got there, I was consumed with memories of our first visit to Steere's two years ago. Two years ago, on a beautiful fall day, we decided to go apple picking. We looked online and found Phantom Farms in Cumberland. It looked like a lot of fun for the kids. When we got there, we were shocked to find out that, despite saying they had pick-your-own apples, they did not. After asking around, someone told us about Steere's Orchard, which wasn't too far from there. So off we went.

I remember so vividly walking through the orchard with Natalie in the backpack. I'd pick an apple, clean it off, and hand it up to her. She was only about 15 months old then, but she could handle eating an apple pretty well. And of course, she loved them! Boy, did she love to eat. Ah... the sound of her humming with pleasure. It is so wonderful to remember. Natalie was such a cool person. It was always fun to be with her. Roslyn had a great time, too. We all did. It was a perfect day. The only thing that made it not perfect is that I forgot to take the camera, so we don't have any pictures to remember our one and only apple picking outing with our precious little Natalie.

Last year, we went back to Steere's and hit it on a weekend when they had hayrides. Roslyn loved riding around on the wagon, grasping for apples off the trees as we passed through the orchard. It was so sad Natalie wasn't with us to have fun, too. Today, it was still so sad Natalie wasn't with us. I don't know if we'll go back to Steere's next year. Maybe we'll try someplace new. Now that it's geographically associated with the funeral home, it's not ideal. But, Natalie's absence is ever felt by Chris and me, ever in the forefront of our minds. I rather like the idea of continuing our tradition there. We'll just see how we feel next year.

Vegas trip

2008-10-16T13:57:00.026-04:00

Roslyn and I returned late last night from Las Vegas, where we were visiting my mom. We had a lot of fun together just us girls. Roslyn was such a great little traveler. She managed to keep herself entertained for the five-hour flight both ways. We played countless hands of Crazy-8s and she colored in a lot of ponies in her My Little Pony coloring book. In Vegas, we saw Red Rock Canyan and Old Nevada, for a taste of the old, wild west. My mom gave Roslyn her very own cowgirl hat, vest, and bandana. Roslyn really got into the spirit of it. The next day, we had girls' night out and saw the stage show of "Mamma Mia." Roslyn was bouncing to the beat the whole time. Ah, my little dancing queen. We also visited the Springs Preserve, which is a really cool place to learn about protecting the environment. They were getting geared up for Halloween with lots of really cool decorations, and countless scarecrows, made by everybody from individual artists to a local girl scout troop to the Clark County Coroner's Office. Roslyn wanted her picture taken next to each and every one! My mom and I happily obliged. Roslyn's enthusiasm made it all the more enjoyable. And you can never have too many pictures of my beautiful girl!

The last night in Vegas I had a dream about Natalie. She was a baby in the dream and I was holding her close to me to warm her because she was cold. Oh, it was the best feeling to hold her again! I am always happy when I can be with her, if only for a little while in my dreams. It is better than nothing.

Imagining a brown-eyed girl

2008-09-08T16:47:00.002-04:00

Tomorrow is the day Natalie should be starting nursery school. I am overwhelmed with sadness at the thought of the joy we are missing, the joy she is missing. It is hard to believe that two years have passed since we took Roslyn for her first day of nursery school. Now she's a big kindergartner and her little sister should be here. It's Natalie's turn! I think back to how much she loved being at East Side Nursery School when we'd go to drop off and pick up Roslyn. There were many days when I had to pick up a crying Natalie and carry her out of the classroom because it was time to leave. She never wanted to go. She always gravitated to the fire escape stairs in the back of the classroom where there's a piece of plexiglass. I can see her looking back at me with her hands on that plexiglass.

Now, all I can do is imagine what she'd be like. I see a beautiful girl with soft brown hair just past her shoulders. It is mostly straight with just a little bit of a wave in the back. She has her bangs trimmed or maybe they're clipped back out of her face. She is looking around--her big brown eyes wide with excitement. She is happy. She is so very, very happy.

I'm writing this as tears stream down my face. I am so, so sad. I love you, Natalie.

Kindergarten!

2008-08-26T13:41:00.008-04:00

Roslyn started kindergarten today! Wow. I knew it would be an emotional time and it was. Roslyn was great. She was excited and ready to go, wearing her new LLBean backpack (in one of her many favorite colors, red). I was happy that Christopher was able to come with us -- after all, there's only one "first day of kindergarten." Roslyn immediately sat down to start drawing a picture of the three of us. "Hold still, Mommy so I can draw you," she'd say. And then I'd accidentally move and she'd have to remind me to hold still. When it came time to say goodbye, she was great. Just gave us each a big hug and kiss. Of course, I was the one who was getting choked up. There goes my little girl, out into the big world... I hope she is happy in kindergarten, happy in life.

I also cried because I should have my little Natalie here to keep me company. I was so looking forward to having this nice one-on-one time with her. Natalie should be here. The fact that she isn't constantly gnaws at me and continually breaks my heart. I miss her beyond words. I can only imagine and wonder what she'd be like now as a busy 3-year-old, getting ready for her turn to start nursery school. Oh, it should have been so wonderful and now it just feels like I'm constantly trying to pick up the pieces of our lives. But it never ever gets picked up. It can't.

She's baaaack!

2008-08-16T21:57:00.004-04:00

My special butterfly was back today. I've seen her a few times now, including Natalie's birthday, but today she stayed long enough for me to get some great pictures. I loved watching her hold on tight as the breeze blew her and the blossoms quite strongly. Her wings are clipped in two places now. Not the perfect being I saw that first day. But she knows that this is her garden and she comes to visit us regularly now. And it pleases me.

Obon

2008-08-16T21:09:00.010-04:00

August 9, 2008

Last weekend, we were invited to spend a few days with an old friend of Christopher's in the Catskill mountains. It just so happened that we stayed about 15 miles away from the Zen monastery where Chris lived for four years back in the late '80s. And it also just so happened that the day we arrived, it was Obon, which is a Japanese Buddhist holiday to honor the deceased spirits of one's ancestors. We had the good fortune of being invited to participate in the ceremony, which included chanting, lighting incense, putting grains of rice in a special bowl, and lighting a beautiful paper lantern that we inscribed with Natalie's name and my father's using a traditional calligraphy brush and ink.

The night was cool, but as clear as could be. There were millions of brilliant stars and an amazingly bright perfect half moon. The ceremony culminated with a procession of everyone carrying their lantern down to the lake where they were floated out onto the water. Finally, a huge bonfire was lit, symbolizing the release of our beloved's spirits. I wept as I watched the flames go up into the black night. It is supposed to be a time of letting go, but I can't let Natalie go. I don't want to. Despite being very tired after the long drive, I felt at peace in that place at that time. Honoring Natalie and my dad together in this way was very special, too, since my dad had spent two years in Japan following World War II. Japan is an integral part of my family's history and is in our hearts in so many ways. I know for Chris, returning to the monastery was like going home. It was an emotional reunion with many dear old friends. I was happy to be a part of it.

Throughout the whole thing, Roslyn was so well behaved. She bowed when she was supposed to bow. She followed along as we fumbled our way through the ceremony. At one point as we sat on our round meditation cushions, she leaned over and whispered, "these cushions are really comfy, aren't they mommy?" Oh, I could have eaten her right up. Even as we lingered well past the midnight hour, and my poor girl was so, so tired, she didn't complain. Chris and I were both very proud.

As we made our way along the winding dirt road up to the monastery, which really is in the middle of nowhere, I asked Chris if there were any bears in those woods. He said he'd only heard of one sighting in all of his time there. Not more than five minutes later, a black bear cub ambled across the road. We all saw it and were really excited. The next day, Chris and I drove back to the monastery while Roslyn stayed behind with his friend, Valerie, and we saw a coyote cross the road, in about the same place as the bear. The next day, we went one last time and this time, there was a dead coyote in the road. Signs? I don't know. Chris's wise old Zen teacher thought so.

Good day today

2008-08-02T20:58:00.005-04:00

Roslyn had her swimming lesson this morning at the Y. It turned out to be a private lesson as none of the other kids showed up. I sat there watching her learn how to blow out through her nose instead of plugging it, and float on her back and kick. Her new teacher was really great with her. As I watched, I felt so proud and full of joy. Hearing her giggles from across the pool made me feel incredibly happy. Her jubilation continued into the shower room as she sang over and over and over... "la-la-la-la, I'm washing my hands, I'm washing my hands..." Over and over and over as she danced on her tippy toes around the drain. Normally, I would have been trying to get her to finish up, always needing to get going and move on with our day. But today, I was content to just let her enjoy the moment. Everything else could wait a few more minutes. It was really refreshing to relax like that.

The rest of the day was great, too. I treated both of us to lunch out at TGI Fridays, not my usual choice, but I had the jones on for their "green bean fries." I even let Roslyn have the "cup of dirt" dessert, consisting of chocolate pudding, Oreo cookie crumbs, gummy worms. Yes, today I felt like spoiling her a little bit -- and we had so much fun. After lunch, we went to Target and Ocean State Job Lot, where we got a random assortment of goodies including a six-pack of really cool gel pens for a buck. This is clearly Roslyn's favorite thing we got today.

I always wonder what my life would be like now with a 5-year-old and a 3-year-old. Would I be able to enjoy the simple pleasures like I did today? I like to think so, but sadly, I'll never know.

Blueberry Birthday

2008-07-29T21:45:00.001-04:00

A few minutes ago it was 9:38 p.m., the time Natalie decided she was ready to greet the world. Oh, what a strange day today was. So many emotions, so many memories, so many wonderings. What would she be like now? As painful as it has been to lose precious Natalie, I am forever blessed that she came into my life three years ago today.

The yellow and black swallowtail butterfly came back to Natalie's garden this morning. I couldn't help but wonder if maybe I'm not so crazy after all. Is it a coincidence that the butterfly returned today? I like to think not. It made for a special way to start this most difficult day.

This afternoon, Roslyn and our friend, Laura, went blueberry picking in Seekonk. It was perfect weather and the picking was good. I thought how appropriate it was that Natalie liked blueberries so much, as they are perfectly ripe and in season on her birthday. It is fitting.

Christopher, Roslyn, and I commemorated her birthday and her life with us by having a blueberry birthday cake like the one I made for her first birthday, two years ago. Roslyn blew out the one candle and we all cried, and then we laughed as Roslyn remembered how Natalie used to like to grab her hair. (Of course she did, Roslyn's hair is so beautiful, it begs to be touched.) Oh, my sweet baby girl. You are forever in our hearts.

Thank you to all our friends and family who reached out to us today. It is nice to know Natalie is still remembered and loved. For me, the next worst thing after losing Natalie would be to let her memory die, too. I pray that anyone reading this blog will keep Natalie's joyful spirit in their hearts.

Happy Birthday, my sweet Natalie Joy.
Always Love, Mommy

Tears

2008-07-28T22:32:00.000-04:00

Natalie's birthday is tomorrow. I cried a lot today. I feel so unbelievably sad. Just sad, sad, sad. I almost feel like I did in the first few days and weeks after she died, when I was in that grief fog. It's so exhausting.

Arms wide open

2008-07-25T21:45:00.000-04:00

It was a beautiful day today, and I decided to walk the 2.6 miles home from work to get some exercise and fresh air. On the way, I passed a house where I'd gone to a yard sale with Roslyn and Natalie two years ago. Looking toward the house, I was suddenly struck by the powerful memory of going there with my girls. I had Natalie in the back pack, which she always loved. I felt sad, but also glad to have another memory to remember. Today was Natalie's original due date three years ago. It was so hot that week.

As I approached home, I saw Roslyn and her friend Margaret standing on the sidewalk in front of our house. Roslyn saw me and came running with arms open wide and a beaming smile on her face. I felt a rush of joy and ran to greet her, too. Biiiiigggg Hug! That made my day. Thank you, sweet Roslyn.

"How are you?"

2008-07-25T16:04:00.000-04:00

Yesterday a guy from the gas company came to do a routine check on our gas meter. He rang the bell and I answered the door and greeted him. He said, "hi, how are you?" Without batting an eye, I said "fine." Then I noticed he had tears welling up in his eyes, and he motioned to the faded picture of Natalie and the notice of her passing that we still have posted on our front door. I immediately knew why he looked like he was about to cry. I sighed and clumsily said, "well, fine is all relative." He said, "that just breaks my heart."

I showed him the basement and after a couple minutes he reemerged with the information he needed. He apologized for upsetting me, as I was getting teary-eyed, too. I said, "No, I appreciate it. It's nice to know people care." And then he left.

I never know when something is going to hit me like that. Living with this grief now, as it comes in waves, is very unpredictable. One minute I may be "fine," and the next, I'm a blubbering mess on the couch. People often apologize to me for what they perceive is "reminding" me of it. I always feel bad that they must think they've said something to upset me. But it's really impossible for anyone to "remind" me of it. I can't escape it. And it's nice when people give me an outlet for it.

I am grateful to the National Grid guy, whose name I don't know. Grateful that he was moved enough to take the time to acknowledge Natalie and our tragic loss. In some ways, it would have been easier if he didn't say anything about it, but I would be left feeling like the world doesn't care anymore. And that's an extremely painful thing to deal with. I am always grateful when people say Natalie's name, or have the guts to ask me really how I'm doing.

The standard greeting of "how are you?" is so loaded for me now. Most of the time, I just say "OK" and leave it at that. In other cultures, there are outward signs to show when someone is grieving -- wearing all black, an armband, etc. But it doesn't work that way in our society. It's an awkward feeling sometimes.

First Sighting

2008-07-23T14:54:00.000-04:00

I saw the first monarch butterfly of the season yesterday, in Natalie's garden. This picture was taken last year at the dedication of Natalie's garden we had to commemorate her birthday. We released 24 monarch butterflies, a beautiful symbol of her short, but oh so sweet life. (She would have been 24 months old.)

I was feeling particularly sad this morning. After taking Roslyn to "summer camp," I decided to have a quiet cup of tea in Natalie's garden. As I sat there admiring the beauty of the garden and thinking about everything from how much I miss her to wondering if I planted the hydrangea too close to the Japanese maple, I was visited by a spectacular yellow and black butterfly, the kind with the pointy tips on the end of its wings. I'd never seen one like it in our yard before. It was very interested in the light purple butterfly bush (the same one in the picture), and returned many times to the blossom closest to where I was sitting, about two feet away.

I often wonder if this is, in some small way, a sign from my sweet Natalie. I like to think it is her way of letting me know she's ok, that she's still here with me. But then, my practical, rational side kicks in and I think, "that's just crazy." I have conversations back and forth with myself about it. If it gives me comfort to think it's a sign from her, it's ok. I am ever mindful to "pay attention." But really, it's just a butterfly. It's not Natalie. But who's to say it isn't? And so on it goes.

In any case, watching the silent flutter of its delicate wings and its graceful flight as it searched for the best landing spot on the bush, a peace and calm came over me, and I felt better. So, at the risk of sounding crazy, I would like to thank the universe for this gift today. I am grateful.

Welcome

2008-07-18T22:47:00.000-04:00

On March 18, 2007, my life was suddenly shattered. My heart was forever broken. I woke up that morning to find my daughter, Natalie, had passed away in her sleep. Suddenly I was living every parent's worst nightmare. Natalie was only 19 months old. She was a happy and healthy little girl with a pure heart that was full of love and sweetness. As I write this now 16 months later, I still cannot believe she is really gone. I still can't believe she died. She died. Oh, my god, she died! How could this have happened to her? To our family? And now, 16 months later, after the rest of the world has moved on with their lives, I am still here. Still living the nightmare of March 18. Still in agonizing pain. Still constantly missing my baby girl. Always wondering what she'd be like now, as a bright and busy three-year-old.

Natalie's passing is the single most difficult and painful thing I've ever experienced. No mother should ever have to find her child like I did. The horror of that morning haunts me each and every day. I cannot shake the images of her lifeless body, the way she looked, the way she felt. It isn't fair! But one thing I have learned is that life isn't fair. Bad things do happen to good people. Natalie certainly didn't deserve this. None of us did.

There will be much more about this part of my life WITHOUT my child in future postings.

Now, let me introduce the other half of my life WITH my child. Roslyn, Natalie's big sister, is now almost 5 1/2. She is growing by leaps and bounds and radiates with self-confidence and charm. In so many ways, she is my savior. She is my reason for getting up in the morning, and a big part of what brings a smile to my face despite my overwhelming grief. It's such a bizarre dichotomy to feel so much happiness and so much sadness all at the same time. Sometimes I feel a little bit crazy.

Roslyn continues to delight me. She took this picture herself. Yesterday she drew a picture for me. It's a picture of me in my Halloween costume as a bumblebee standing on our very colorful (in the picture anyway) living room rug. I took it to work today and proudly hung it on my office wall. Seeing it makes me smile.

More soon.